baby loves to dance in the dark!

2011-12-17T01:14:00.003+08:00

I don't want to be vulnerable again, I don't want to open myself up again to allow people to hurt me again. I can't.

Tears cloud my vision as I struggle to take a breath and remain calm. I can't lose it, not now. Everytime I allow my emotions to take control, they seem to drive me into destructive rages and moods, scary times when I lose control and feel like nothing will ever be okay ever again. I closed this blog temporarily cause I was hoping to revamp it and replace all the maudlin-ness with some happy or less vulnerable posts. It's scary, being this honest and this vulnerable. Some might even call me undoubtedly stupid for being so painfully honest over the internet, which is a very public place.

Honestly though, I realize that I can make no apologies for who I am or how I feel. No matter how intensely sick with Borderline Personality Disorder I am, it is still part of who I am. To not feel at all would make me borderline inhuman, I guess. And... things have been different. I've been taking steps to manage my illness, I've been trying not to let my handicap get the better of me. My days have been much happier since I chose to leave behind all the people whom made me feel miserable, whom didn't love me enough to treat me right.

The people involved in my life now are those whom I feel are worth the effort, worth everything I do for them... And they are the people who have stood by me during my worst, thus they are the ones deserving of my best. It sounds selfish but, why should I give my best to everyone? Why waste the effort and heartache being utterly sincere to people whom won't care about me, who will simply take advantage and hurt me without a second thought? I'm really far too fragile a person to go through such disappointments time and again, it just ends up poisoning me.

It's not unreasonable at all- everyone I meet gets a clean slate, a fresh start and an opportunity to prove themselves worthy of my best efforts. I do try, I only give up once they somehow show me they aren't deserving of what I have to offer. I can't even begin to explain how painful it is, to do your best for someone and have them spit on your face, either by betraying you or taking your good will for granted and etc.

I remember when I was 17, I had a friend called Vanessa and... well, she was my friend. So I did the best for her in every way I could, whatever she needed help with, I would try my best to deliver. I would do my best to be there for her and go out of my way to do nice things for her when she was feeling down. Many months later, I found out that while I thought I was being a friend to her and putting in my best efforts for a friendship, Vanessa had been accusing me of "pretending to be a good person" behind my back and bitching about me to other people.

I was left utterly incredulous and speechless... I never glorified any of the things I had done for her or to help her, I never gained anything, I had no ulterior motive other than to help my friend because it was within my belief system... and to have all the kindness returned with such malice, hate and anger... Well, I guess that was one of the first learning experiences I received which taught me how truly poisonous humans can be.

Well, it's been three years and many Vanessas later and at least I've learned I'm much happier cutting all the poisonous people out of my life. People whom aren't worth the effort, people whom look for opportunities just to put me down or take advantage of me, people whom don't appreciate me... They've no business being in my life at all. I am sick, pretty sick, most of the time and I lose control- sometimes I do things that drive people away. But I guess sometimes we all really do that to see who cares enough to stay.

I really find myself at a loss for words at how grateful I am for all those that do, whom are there to support me during my weak moments. They're really my most treasured diamonds, the love I feel for them is pretty much immeasurable. Sometimes though, it's hard to tell the difference between a diamond in the rough and a stone. Will you stand by me when I need you to? Will you be true to me and be strong for me? Will you love me and care for me? Or are you just taking advantage of me, making me into your tool?

I am... so afraid. And I still feel like something isn't right, I don't feel like you're being sincere with me- something is missing. The quiet introspective into my own mind shows that, I do need to love myself so that others can love me. And I love those people, the ones whom love me no matter how fucked up I am. I would do anything for them and I don't know what I would do without them... I don't say thankyou or appreciate them nearly often enough, I think.

My mom is first and foremost the greatest person in my whole life, and people like Baktee, Fion, Ari and my dad and... well yeah. Time shows me who's true and who to love etc. I'm really fucking grateful and moved and I feel so blessed and lucky, thank you God for giving me such wonderful people who care about me so much. They're all I need.

Hoping you'll see what your love means to me

2011-12-09T06:47:00.002+08:00

I want to go to beautiful places with you, I want to go everywhere with you. I want to wake up in the morning next to you, after spending the night sleeping beside you. I want us to fulfill all the crazy plans we've made together. That's one of the things I like about you, cause you get me.

In situations where anyone else would call me crazy, you agree with me or suggest something even more unconventional. You challenge me, you understand me, you complement me and you don't take advantage of me. I love that I see so much kindness and generosity in you, mixed up with all your quirks- arguably, what I love most about you.

I want to know you, all of you. I want to be the one whom makes your eyes light up everyday, the one who makes you smile, the one you'll tell white lies to; like insisting you like my cooking even though it really sucks, hahaha

I want to be the right one for you, I want to be your last first kiss for all time, I want all the same things as you, and I want them with you (:

I'll go down as your lover, your friend

2011-12-08T03:57:00.003+08:00

I think it's time to just move on...

Actually it doesn't matter if I'm no longer sure, just like I told you earlier this year "I don't know in what fucked up way I love you but I know I do and you're important to me and I'm glad you're still in my life." That's still true (: I know I will always love you. Maybe not in a romantic way, but I will always love you like you're my bestfriend and my brother and my friend and a human being, someone I care about deeply who's touched my life in so many ways. Maybe this is a temporary state of mind, but somehow it saddens me- because I was somehow so sure about you for so long and the way you made me feel. And suddenly, I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I've lost something, something I valued and something precious to me.

Ironically, it was what I wanted for the longest time, to get over it all and get over you. But I don't know why, somehow, some part of me still feels sad to. My head is a dangerous place fraught with peril that I can barely even begin to understand. I guess it might be because I am closing a chapter in my head, one which I had always hoped would end with us working things out, and it's just so hard to say goodbye...

To that part of my life at least. You're still someone so important to me but maybe you were right after all, we are not meant for more than what we are now. Who knows, maybe in time I will fall again. Maybe I won't. But for now, we are in a somewhat good place. Though the lack of a definition causes me slight frustration because it seems we are ambiguous as always. Truthfully though, I shouldn't be so petty- love is love and I love every possible aspect of you; the best the worst and everything in between.

I have known you thoroughly and through, and I still care for you like family. I lie every time I threaten to leave because with family, it's never the end. You can't cut someone out of your blood. As far as I am concerned, you are my blood. More than a family, we are friends who have shared everything- with the balance and the best of all the worlds, I can say that I will be here for you, every step of the way, as your best friend, as your family but most importantly of all- as someone who loves you.

Thus like I said to comfort myself, it shouldn't matter that the romantic part is over... cause there's so much more out there and we'll face it together. Maybe some small part of me just wishes that, it could have been you. Maybe it's all for the best. Maybe... Oh well oh well

I am here to the end- that much you can know for sure (:

Crush

2011-12-07T23:46:00.000+08:00

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you.

You take my hand and the whole world goes still.

And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired.

There is only silence between us as neither of us takes or releases a breath- like the slightest sound, tremor or movement could cause a horrific disaster. We are both still and I am still not breathing, and while this happens I realize I am trying very hard not to tremble as your gentle fingers send sparks searing through my skin.

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you,

I want to shiver. I feel as if I am going to, and I am going to ruin everything with my involuntary awkwardness. By some miracle, I don't. And your touch stays. You hold my hand like it is your own, and I am still fighting not to shiver. We are not looking at each other. An infinity of unspoken moments seem to pass, then your eyes meet mine

like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for

You smile, and the world is still for one more moment before it starts to spin again. And it takes us both, tumbling into the abyss.

The bittersweet chaser.

2011-12-06T11:02:00.003+08:00

It feels like you start to care less, like I feel you slipping away. Well, it could be my BPD acting up- the intense preoccupation with (real or perceived) abandonment that I have. Honestly though, the influence of my BPD is rather useless to me now and I cannot allow my mental disease to overcome the insight I have gained. I really don't know what I'd do without Baktee.

Chatting with him makes me realized that I was wrong, I lost sight of the very thing that gave me peace as I allowed my weakness to overcome me. I kept saying that I wanted you to be happy but at the same time, I demonized you out of fear that I would be hurt once again, that I would feel unworthy again. I have to learn not to tie my sense of self-worth to others because a reflection on my relationships with them, is not a reflection of myself. I wish it can be, but it's not.

I need to realize that, it will never be enough. I may think I am getting what I want if I succeed in making the people around me happy- but it will actually never be enough because eventually, if my sense of self-worth is not present, I will constantly be wanting more. Wanting to do more or feeling driven to do more. It is an infinity of my dysfunctional complex- I will do as much I can to make as many people as happy as I can, until I am unable to. Once I am unable to, I will have failed and the sense of self will fall apart again.

Finding limitations and boundaries, learning to live with myself no matter what I perceive to be and learning to accept myself... that's what I need. I cannot allow myself to open my eyes to see demons. If i have to be sick, I want to only have the good side of my illness and not the bad. I want to be able to idealize everyone and see them for the wonderful things in them, not the bad. I, with all my stubborn-ness and delusions, insist that I want to make the best of myself and the best of others.

Even if I fail myself, I will not allow myself to fail others. Okay. I understand that I just contradicted myself and my own point about self-worth. But as I told Baktee yesterday, "I'd rather use my flaws for something good, channel them into something practical."

I believe it is every person's choice to make the entity you posses into what you want to. Good or bad, it is purely subject to what you make of it. It sounds so simple that it is almost retarded but truly- life is what you make of it. It will cripple you, only if you allow it to. It will strengthen you, only if you use it to strengthen you.

Nothing in life is easy and we all make mistakes. I would like to make up for the mistakes I have made. I had lost sight of myself and who I am for awhile, that's what I told Fion yesterday. I've come to realize that the statement is more true than I had been conscious of. I allowed myself to become dissociated and lost in the mess within my own head. But I need to climb out of that hell to become someone better- for myself and for the world around me.

Baktee told me before that my weakness is exactly what inspires my greatness. And he is right. I had always wanted to do more for others because I always felt like I wasn't enough. I forgot that. And I want to go back to doing it. I don't mind feeling inadequate etc. I would prefer not to, but if I have to suffer in order to achieve what I want to achieve then- fuck it, so be it. I am willing to suffer for my art of life.

Lol. So overly dramatic, I know. Life's a process, it comes step at a time. Learning to control my emotions is key at this point. If there is no key to escape the closet I am locked in, then I will be walking into walls all the time and all the way. Well, I will either keep walking into the walls till I make a hole, or I will find the key. It is not going to be easy but I'm not giving up, I'm not content to sit in the dark and let myself slip away when there's so much more I have to offer, so much more I can do for everyone else.

The Lion King suddenly pops into my head and I recall an ominous voice saying, "remember who you are." I had forgotten, now comes the time to realize and make amends. And after I am done making things right, I will begin making them better.

And if you go, then you will go and I will have to find a way to come to terms with it and accept it. But if you stay, I will try my best to making things right with you, then spend the rest of my life trying to make things better for you. Come what may.

You will always be a part of me

2011-12-03T13:07:00.005+08:00

I totally miss my hair like this! Well, long and straight and sleek, I mean. Not really the colour. I'm very happy being blond (: Was supposed to go dye my eyebrows but I decided to stay home and get some extra sleep instead- guess what though, I'm not sleeping -.- Hahaha. The stupidity and the irony.... I know.

This post is actually gonna be about nangiel cos his b'day just passed, but I was looking through my old pictures and saw this & thought "I MUST UPLOAD! BAKTEE SO CUTEEEE!" Hahaha anyway his birthday is coming soon too. Better watch out ah bfffb! You wouldn't want to end up like this:

Haha the birthday boy danialmon in 2009! I think my close friends are quite pitiful cause when they're birthdays come around, 90% of the time I'm the one orchestrating/conspiring to smear cake on their face/throw eggs and flour at them :x Okay to be fair, on my birthday they've threatened to throw me into swimming pools/forced me to drink copious amounts of alcohol and other funny stuff so I'd say it's quite equal? :x Hahahaha

Happy birthday danialmon (: You're so special to me. Told you so in a REALLYREALLY long (longest post I've ever written of facebook). I've really come to realize that everyone screws up from time to time, but we forgive people unconditionally because we really love them. Even though arguably, we shouldn't or there's no reason to... but when you care about someone deeply, you would forgive that person just cause you want them in your life. You've been there through my hard times, now I'm gonna be here for yours. Though we're no longer like we were before, but you'll always be an uber special someone to me. Told you already- IMMORTALIZED yo. Hahaha.

Realized you've really been there for me through a lot & that I shouldn't ever forget that or take it for granted. Wah! But seriously I don't wanna look at anymore old pictures cause it's making me damn sad and making me miss you more. Honestly I really regret into getting into a relationship with N cause I feel that's when we started to drift, and it's mostly my fault, I know. Not just you and me, but I drifted from so many of my friends because I was going crazy trying to prove to myself/other people etc that I could make it work. Oh well, whatever- it's all in the past now. And you're still here now (: That's what matters.

Please take good care of yourself/make good choices, love you vehveh much & hope you'll be a fucking happy kid (:

I thought my heart had learned its lesson

2011-12-01T07:58:00.001+08:00

YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.
true story.

How you remind me of what I really am

2011-11-30T20:55:00.004+08:00

I want to hate you but I can't and I do at the same time. Perhaps hate is too strong a word. I resent you, as always. But I can't focus on hating you properly for long periods of time cause you somehow always creep back into my head. You make me miserable, but being away from you makes me miserable too.

When you are good, I worry that I won't fit into your world. If you go back to being bad, I know I can... and I still care about you just as much as I would. Maybe even more, I'm not sure. The thing is though... after all that has happened, I find it so hard to trust you again. I'm not sure if I can or if I ever will anymore. If you were me, could you? Could you trust again?

Would you even let yourself take the chance, possibly lose everything that you worked so hard to put together? I'm a gambler by nature but gambling requires you keep a cool head and not tilt or make rash decisions.

I honestly can't decide. Maybe I should just give in again? But every time I cave in and break, leaving myself open it's always proven to be a mistake. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I don't know, I don't know. I am so sick inside I just... yeah I don't even know.

I really wonder what I am to you. And if I'm really nothing or just another toy, please for God's sake just let me go already. Perhaps you enjoy my inner conflict and you love the feeling you get when you get people falling all over you and for you, but seriously, when will enough ever be enough? When will you get sick of me already or when will I get sick of you? How many times do I have to go through this mess till I can get out for good?

I've always hated being plebian and pedestrian, moreover to have me be plebian and foolish with so many others, it's really quite utterly degrading. But if I really have no control, I shall just relinquish control. No point being a control freak in a situation where I have none- it will only drive me more insane.

GG. Alwasys gg seriously, you win. You win every time. I just can't win with you. I'll try to go on being as apathetic as I possibly can.

Use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill.

Real life, music, art & reel life.

2011-11-30T00:53:00.005+08:00

I'm wrong again. And I would like to say I can't help myself, but that'd be a lie. I can... I guess some part of me just doesn't want to. The selfish unfair part I guess. I should just listen to the following songs 10,000 times until I eventually go mad and the knot in my chest explodes from all the feeling lol. Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present: the most fucked up songs for people with emotionally fickle feelings towards other people or conflicting feelings within themselves, or just in general- songs for very not nice people etc. Listen to the songs and you'll probably find the theme fairly quickly.

1. Between you & I - Every Avenue
2. Porcelain - Cauterize
3. Lips of an Angel - Hinder

Note: These songs are not listed in order of awesome-ness. Or maybe they are. But then I would say it's a fucking close tie between Porcelain and Between you & I, but maybe Between you & I is number one because it feels more apt for the situation. KNNNBCB.

Did you ever just look at someone and think, 'God he/she is so beautiful'? The way the light catches their light hair and the way their eyes twinkle, the way they make you sparkle and grin like a fool... You could get lost in them all day until suddenly, an unwelcome thought appears in your mind; old shadows that you'd much rather fade away. And no matter how beautiful the one you're holding is, all you can think of is the ugly ghost of your past that taunts you and tortures you bitterly, fortnight after night.

Your ghosts will make you hate yourself. You're not a blind man with a Picasso, you're a successful art curator with a marvelous Van Gogh infront of you. A portrait of emotional honesty and rough beauty- it's everything you could ever want, ever want to be and everything you're afraid to let yourself want, all at the same time.

You would love to be a bright colour belonging in a classic Van Gogh painting but as an art curator, your darkest secret is your love for Nicolas Poussin's cold desaturated landscapes. Poussin's works hold the chilling discipline that could either come from a wonderful surgeon whom works miracles with his hands or a brilliant serial killer. They are the very opposite of honest emotions, but yet- they make you feel nonetheless.

You shouldn't, you wouldn't want anyone to know that you do... but you do. You love Van Gogh but it isn't the same way with Poussin. Your very soul screams for the cold. And though you hate the cold, you somehow love to shiver.

Poussin's works are all a style of hard steel, featuring lines over colour. And you might believe that Poussin's style can change, that there would be a difference as his works progress- as much as you could want to believe that Poussin can evolve as an artist, you know that somehow, deep down inside the works are essentially all the same. And no matter how cold and calculating they maybe, you love them anyway.

Poussin is distilled and cerebral, untouched emotions, with a coldness that will never hold you.

---

I've started watching Gossip Girl again recently. All the ridiculous amount of drama there makes me forget all the drama in my own life, haha. Sadly, there are parts which I feel I can identify with, a bit less dramatically of course.

Something that I learned in life was affirmed by Chuck Bass when he illustrated that there was "a difference between great love and right love". Lol, I know- I shouldn't be taking advice from dramas but hey, I think they're good lessons to learn.

I think I finally understand why on One Tree Hill, Lucas told Peyton he hated her. I've never really understood the appeal of Lucas and Peyton, but I think I get it now- though she's a cold, emotionally unavailable bitch, Lucas loves Peyton. He loved Brooke too, Brooke made him happy but... (okay I'm not going to go into too much detail about that because I still think Lucas/Brooke is ftw) but the thing is, I kind of understand why Lucas told Peyton he hated her.

Of course he did, of course he meant it. Cause Peyton keeps ruining his life. It's like every time he manages to be truly happy, Peyton comes back into his life and makes him question everything, makes him feel way too many conflicting feelings; want coupled with disgust, guilt and self-loathing. It would make him sick to his stomach, he'd like to be the most fair, decent and good person he can possibly be, but once his weakness appears he has to try so hard just to hold everything together.

He hates her so much because he cannot help but love her at the same time, no matter how screwed up she is, no matter how wonderful Lindsey (his fiance at that time) is.

I would think it's impossible to ever move on with your story if you keep re-reading the older chapters of the book. But when it's so undeniable that you cannot pull yourself away, what do you do then?

Fake it till you make it? Give up and surrender while waiting for death? Burn the book? Lol. I was trying to keep away from maudlin posts but here I am again, being maudlin. In a way, I'm glad I've at least gotten the ranting out of my system. Argh ^!(^#(!^)!#)!&!~* seriously, I'm so easily triggered by such small things. Letting in a little bit of emotion makes me want to go a bit insane. God, I have issues.

But I am fine (most of the time), I will do my best to maintain. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to think less or socialize less. Maybe just getting rid of everything would get rid of the conflicting feelings. Quit my job as art curator and runaway to be a mathematician instead! Hahaha (even the thought of maths now makes me nauseous)

I'm quite happy with the paralells and metaphors I've weaved into this piece though. Though it's still maudlin, perhaps that's my inevitable writing style and in the future I'll be remembered for being an extremely emotional unstable writer whose best works come from periods of seemingly bipolar mania. Hahahahaha.

Maybe I should change my sidebar and add a disclaimer that everything here is a work of fiction and any resemblances to persons deceased or living are purely coincidental. They would be loosely based at most, or certain emotions/situations maybe exaggerated for the sake of better illustrating points or artistic license. HAHAHAA OH MY GOD THE GONG CHA HAS CLEARLY DRIVEN ME CRAZY.

Way too much food for thought. And on one hand, I love to safeguard my privacy but on the other hand, I feel it's so meaningless to write things that no one else will ever see. My best friend would constantly tell me I need a journal like he has, but perhaps that's a difference between us, he's an introvert and an extrovert only when he absolutely needs to be, while I'm an extrovert hiding behind an exterior of an introvert cause I've become too guarded and too afraid to really be honest with everyone unless I'm sure they will accept me.

It's scary to bare my soul but at the same time, the thought that my thoughts are out in the open is comforting to me. And it is good for me, it enforces me not to be so paranoid and not to care so much about the opinions of others. Opinions of the unimportant, are not important. Remember.

P.S. I'm fucking long winded lol. But seeing as this is my blog and I have the right to write whatever I like, I can be as long winded as I like and also shamelessly comment that in my opinion, I have just re-enforced the belief/fact that I am a brilliant writer ^^ am feelin' pretty damn good now lol.

I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever forever & ever

2011-11-28T14:06:00.004+08:00

If it means a lot to you, cause it means a lot to me. I was just thinking about the time I've known you, and the times when you were so awesome to me but I took it for granted, I never realized or thought more about it. People are like that I guess, but I never would've thought or expected myself to be one of those people- always wanting something/appreciating it only when it's gone. I know I was wrong. The one time I didn't put in a 100%, and I regret it to this day.

Anyway, no matter what it is, you really deserve to be happy and I want that for you (: You're really very special to me. Stupid as it may sound; you're the only one who gets to tease me/disturb me so much. Every other person winds up getting teased/disturbed by me for the majority of the time. But you're the only one who can really "bully" me. :x On the other hand, with most of my friendships/relationships, I'm used to doing the lion's share of the work, cause I enjoy doing things for the people I care about. And... you're the only one doesn't allow me to do much while you unconditionally do so much for me.

You're really different from anyone else for a whole lot more reasons than I care to mention. For what it's worth though, you're probably the only person I know who likes to eat Nattou but I would willingly eat it everyday if you asked me to do it for you. Well who knows what time will bring... I only know that good things are worth waiting for and you're the best thing, really.

I wish I were better at showing you how I feel but instead I always find myself awkward in your presence, unlike with anyone else. I'd like to think I'm fairly good with words and am rather poised, but in front of you it's always the opposite. I can't speak these words but I'll be here and I'll be waiting. I'm just happy to have you in my life, cause you make it so much brighter (:

No matter where life takes us, I just hope I'm still by your side.

Don't seek what you don't need from me

2011-11-27T03:23:00.001+08:00

I remember this used to be A's favourite song. Am not sure if it still is or not. But I get it, it's a song that speaks to me and something that I can identify with. Caustically, I would love to laugh. It's like the universe always has to play a cosmic joke on me- I'm out to troll others but the universe is trolling me lollollol.

Honestly I shouldn't think so much late at night, it makes everything more difficult for me. Or maybe I've just been blurred and this clarity is a blessing in disguise, trying to stop me from making a mistake before it's too late. Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it lol. I really didn't think this day would come so soon, I find myself so unprepared. I really thought I would've had more time... Thus is why one should live everyday like it's their last.

I think I know what I need to do though. And, I want to believe that when it all comes down to it, that I'll be the sort of person whom can do the right thing, the best thing and the noble thing. Though those three might all be completely different things though lol.

Oh Bfffb! Indeed there's really no one who gets me like you do, can you just get the fuck out of reservist so that I can see you? Hahahaa. Omg sounds so selfish I know, asking you to risk "national security" so that I can talk to you and all but ohwell :x I really miss you luh (: I don't care though, I'm definitely gonna see you in December and even if you don't meet me, REMEMBER I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! :x Hahaha. I'm doing pretty good but you know me, being my needy insecure self and all, I need affirmation that I indeed am doing good and not getting lost lol. And I also would like to talk to someone about intelligent things without constantly giggling like a moron.

It's like nobody else I know gives a fuck about Palestine or the parallels between Caesar and Jesus or Hollywood's use of movies acting as metaphors for certain problems or other random issues that I can just get angry about. Although now thinking back, I was certainly very irritable and easily agitated at that time. Overly emotional lol. So sian being a girl omg -.- everything is better once I know how to chill. Aye but don't ask me to work la, I can't afford to. I've got much more money not working as opposed to working! Hahaha. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing.

Okaythanksbye.

Move along

2011-11-26T07:17:00.006+08:00

I am going to try to blog properly because I feel I've become so maudlin recently that re-reading those entries makes me want to slap myself. I have to at least attempt to balance all the emo entries with some life right? Then again, it's 7:28am and I feel damn lazy to type lol. The only other person crazy enough to be awake with me is Jason Wong ahhaaa, and the only solution we have to offset our boredom: troll! Hahahahaa

Okay I'm just going to cheat and spam pictures so the entry looks long and colourful as well! Plus, people are visual creatures right? So the more pictures the better :D All about balance... Cui. My writing is so rudimentary, how to become a writer like that?! Hahahaha. Oh, I got the iphone 4s a few weeks ago and I am super in love with its camera. It has like 10,000 different nice effects for camwhoring and all, see!

I had was having a good hair day so I decided not to lose out and just take pictures lol. This was after an awesome night (: If I'm not wrong, it was also the day I got my new com!

Hahaha looks quite cool right? The front part glows blue lights and all that nonsense. Apparently it's not only aesthetically pleasing but also very functional and awesome as well, according to Trolley Tan who put it together for me (:

Nice right? ((: I like. It's not imba chio but it's much better looking than my old desktops! ^^

Trolley drinking the milk tea I made. My first time making milk tea using a stove lol, but he said it was very nice so yay :D I can open a bubble milk tea store without the bubbles lol.

Hmm I really was having a good hair day that day, I think. Lol. Unedited photo taken with the 4s (: I need to change the light bulbs in my house soon, the lighting sucks. And I'm probably going to dye my hair next week, yay! Supposed to be saving money for USA but I'm not sure about going already. Argh. Oh well, I'll give it a few more weeks before I come to a decision. The whole point of this entry is to think happy thoughts and not think about things of profound value which threaten to make me conflicted and upset.

So yes! Back to the original subject- brown, dark brown, red or blond? I feel like trying chestnut brown hair with long thin layered bangs and a new makeup scheme but every time I dye my hair any other color, I start to miss my blond hair almost instantly after that. I'm super fickle, I know. Forever in capable of making decisions and easily stressed out by having to make small decisions. I think there's a mental condition for that hahaa.

Random pic spam of things around my house, taken on a day where I caught a glimpse of magic hour and went outside to take pictures of stuff haha (:

Trying to repair it anyway I can

2011-11-25T03:56:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows me I'm cold

2011-11-23T22:49:00.005+08:00

My nightmares have been walking around again, whether I'm awake or sleeping, I feel them haunting me, taunting, driving me to the edge. I'm uncertain whether it's because I miss you or if I miss you because of how I feel... but I do miss you. I wish you were here. Things without you seem empty, I still feel that effortless endless sense of being lost without you.

I'm not supposed to miss you, I'm not supposed to feel like this. The worst part is, despite all that's happened, I can't be so sure of you either. Honestly though, if she still wants you, how can I compare? I can't.

I would be happy for you, of course I would. But I don't know if I have it in me to be strong again. I was strong before, and when you came back into my life, I somehow lost my strength and came to rely on you.

Now that you're gone, I find I can't seem to find my strength back. I feel weak, I helpless and out of control but like a fraud I pretend to be happy and okay, though truthfully I feel ugly, unwanted and unlovable. I still feel like I'll never be good enough, never accomplish anything of substance. I hate myself for not being beautiful enough to be accepted by the world and I hate society for rejecting me.

It's not for my lack of trying, I try as hard as I can to be as good as I can. Maybe my failures are because I try too hard. Or maybe because it's still not enough. Everyone wants to be loved, but once in a while I meet some especially brutal humans whom always make me feel unworthy of the people who care about me, undeserving of anything.

No matter what you were, I still felt that you saw the real me and you accepted me, you saw something in me and you loved me. You're not around now, and I can't find my strength. Though I may have still only been the 2nd best to you, the love and safety I felt with you was incomparable. Unlike the others, you never made me feel like I wasn't special.

In the past, you may have done some horrible things but you were honest about them and you took responsibility for them. You were never that bad guy hiding under a good guy's facade, you trusted me enough to show me the real you. In time, I learned that I would take much more damage from guys whom pretended to be good but in reality, they were much more cruel than you could ever be.

I'm not making much sense. I'm such a mess, I know. Lots of things are bothering me and nagging at me, it's quite a chaos in my head. I'm a pathetic, needy and afraid. I am my own monster, magnifying all the pain around me. I could choose to be happy, I can try to be happy. But maybe I am not beautiful enough to be happy, maybe I am undeserving of happy.

Maybe without you in my life, I am incapable of being happy. Because all in all, you loved me. And I just want to feel loved again. But the saddest truth is, when you come back, you might not love me anymore. Your feelings might've changed. And I should some how steel myself for that but I don't even want to think of the horrifying implications that could hold.
In the coming years, if my mother passes away and you hate me for being unable to save you, I really will just kill myself because I don't think I would have anything to live for anymore. Doing good to help this world? Sure, I could do that. But it would all be empty, because I would be empty. And selfish as it may sound, I don't want to continue living in a world where nobody loves me. Each time I think about dying, all that stops me is what it would do to my mother if I did. If she goes and you go, well, then I really wouldn't have anything left anymore. Cause nobody else really loves me. Nobody. And maybe I am undeserving, maybe. I'm weak and stupid and pathetic, I know. I feel braver admitting it somewhere semi-public though. Everything I never dared to say out loud.
There's a struggle inside of me and I pray for peace, I pray for my mom to get better, I pray for your forgiveness, I pray to be stronger and for this world to be a better place. All I can do is hope and try to hold on to my subliminal faith.

Let's pretend that life goes on without you

2011-11-19T16:25:00.003+08:00

It seems I just can't stay away. I have a chance to escape, to get away, and even as an individual with free will, I choose to go back. I feel like someone with an addiction, I feel so weak. Time and again, we're drawn together and once we're together... there's only a momentary peace before chaos comes. Maybe it's written in the stars, literally.

Two Aries people, both hot tempered and passionate, both hard headed and intense. However, our differences far outweigh our similarities. We've got similar characteristics that cause us to clash but our differences also make us clash. If ever there was an embodiment to yin and yang in my life, it would be you and I. Dark clashing with light, beauty with ugliness, chaos with peace...

We're caught in a tornado of pandemonium, I'm a victim of Stockholm syndrome but it's too far gone now and there's no saving me, I'd do anything for you. I would follow you to the gates of hell if I had to & there I'd beg the gatekeeper to take me instead of you.

Nobody can compare. I can feel things for others, I can appreciate the wonderful and amazing things about them, but it doesn't change that you are the one I see in everyone, in everything, even when I close my eyes and close myself off to the world. Your ghost follows me wherever I go, and I know I'm not really alone.

There's you you you, always you.

But I still loved you more than anyone since or before.

2011-11-19T07:34:00.003+08:00

It's been more than 9 weeks. Everything is silent.

Past the storms in my life and the lulls in my mind, you're all I ever think of. There is a void in me, a chilling emptiness that I would try to push away as best I can. I'm so frighteningly cowardly that I try my best to lock up everything which I can't face. In a way, I want everything to be perfect- all or nothing. I'm just demanding like that, I know.

I hate being a cliche, I hate cliches in general. It always stung me, how mainstream and how lacking in fragility things can be. I want to sound special, I want to communicate my message across perfectly and meaningfully... There must be some way I can prove that what we had was real, not just another faltering memory to slip through time, right? Unfortunately, there is no other way to say this (and I checked): You're irreplaceable.

There is no word in the English dictionary or thesaurus to replace "irreplaceable". Ironic, huh?

Ever since you've been gone, I've felt lost. Pangs of loneliness, feelings of missing you... Feelings of... I don't know? Let's just say, overwhelming feelings. I'm so shamefully maudlin all the time, I wish I could tell myself to "just grow a pair" and get over it, like I should be more mature and practical, more reasonable than quixotic.

I wish I could see you,
I wish I could be with you for just one more moment.

If I could, I would freeze time in that one perfect moment, where I felt so safe and at peace. It's on a constant rewind over and over again in my mind. Sometimes it is a cruel taunt, sometimes it is a gentle, happy comfort and it is always laced with nostalgia.

You were the one whom broke me so badly that I thought I would never get myself back together. But at the same time, you were like a petulant child ripping up a jigsaw puzzle and putting it back together again. You did it innocuously, lacking the fumbling darkness, lies and shame that so many others hide inside them. You broke me, now I can't feel anything

But I am empty and incomplete without you,
you are the only one that completes me.

Perhaps that's the phrase I was missing to describe our perfect moment. I felt safe, at peace... and complete. I'll continue to function without you here, but the voice in my head doesn't allow me respite. Despite what I might try to tell myself and through all the conflict within me, the voice only needs to speak softly to remind me; They are not you.

And the silence is deafening. Everything goes quiet in defeat. No one else can compare, I want the Devil and I have had to go through Hell for it. It is frustrating but I had resigned myself to my fate long ago. You are a part of me in every way and to I am unable to be whole again without you. I miss you and it hurts me inside, I feel lost but am constantly trying to seem otherwise

Take a deep breath and carry on.
Life goes on.

Gone

2011-11-09T07:26:00.002+08:00

I can barely believe it's been 7 weeks. It'll be 8 weeks this Friday. There's this void when you're not around and like I've said, though I've moved on- it doesn't stop me from missing you and worrying for you. God knows you don't deserve it, you know you don't deserve it but I can't help but feel protective and worry for you all the same. If I had the power to, I wouldn't let anything hurt you. Then again, that would probably be detrimental to you and thus- I won't.

You need to get hurt to learn, to improve yourself, and I can't keep trying to protect you cause it makes things worse for both of us. I think about you, all the time. I miss you and I wonder if you meant what you said. I wonder if you think of me, I surmise that you probably think of her more. I worry that you'll come back, colder and more broken inside than ever- I worry what you'll think of me, that you'll harbour ill wills toward me and you'll hurt me just because you can; because you'll want me to hurt for how I hurt you.

I know I'm probably wasting my time thinking, I've already made a decision which I plan to stand by. There is really nothing for us, the best I can do is pray for you everyday, pray for you all the time. I hope you'll see the light someday, I hope things work out for the best for you. More than anything, I really want you to be happy- that's really important to me. I'd like to hope that I could just be your guardian angel- an invisible being in your life to help you through when you need it. Unfortunately, we can't seem to co-exist without the coming chaos, so I'll do my best to keep my distance.

Instead, I'll continue to write fucked up posts like these and hundreds of letters which I think I'll never send, with my thousands of thoughts and words that I'll leave unsaid to you cause it's all for the greater good. I can hate the situation all I want but I have to learn to play with the cards given to me. He is the sun and you are the moon, he's bright, warm, constant and giving; while you are dark, cold, inconsistent and aloof.

Maybe I'm a child of the night, but I do love the sun. Forgive me for not remaining a vampire any longer.

R

2011-11-05T16:42:00.002+08:00

I have moved on, I have given my heart to another but somehow you're still in my thoughts. Perhaps this is where you will always be. I dreamt of you last night, it was a good dream so I guess you can't technically call it a nightmare. But it sure was torturous for me, probably the worst kind of nightmare because it mocks me, a painful reminder of what I can no longer have.

I dreamt of our last night together; wrapped up in each others' arms, butterfly kisses across our faces. Never have I felt more intimate or exposed with someone else. It's like I showed you my heart and gave you my soul but I never felt more complete. Never have I known the tenderness I feel with you, my heart melts each time I look at you and I long to just give you the whole world on a platter. I would give you my whole world and anything I can, anyway. When I see you cry, I know I would do anything within my power to stop the pain. However, all that's over now- I am not meant to be that someone for you.

Though it doesn't change the fact that I will always love you, that you will always be my unattainable corrupt perfection; the one I'd give anything for, not to be with you but just to make you happy. I want you to be happy. We've been through so much together in the last 4 years, utterly insane things that would make us seemingly like a modern day Greek tragedy.

Selfishly, I hate that we've had to have gone through so much, I hate that we're so star-crossed. I resent you for being so fucked up, I resent myself for being so fucked up, I resent the universe for not making things easier for us. And I really really hate both of us, for making me fall in love with you. The way we're connected, I honestly cannot explain it but hands down, no one compares to you.

Everyone wants to be unforgettable and congratulations, that's you. The memories I have, they're painful but so precious to me all the same, at this moment- I really have no regrets and wouldn't do anything differently. Tragically, I would say I am glad we spent your last night out here together. Perhaps others can judge me and say I have no self-respect or etc but I really don't care. That moment, that night, was the most beautiful one in my whole life.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" once you feel those words come true for you, that's when you know you'll have truly lived. I'll take our memories everywhere and though they sometimes hurt me- they're my most precious memories and I wouldn't give them up for anything else ever. A perfect moment to take with me through the rest of eternity. Yes, all the pain is worth it.

I hope you're doing fine, wherever you are.

i want you, flaws and all

2011-11-03T07:06:00.000+08:00

kristie chanel koo is so in love with you.

je t'aime

2011-11-02T06:50:00.001+08:00

the only dream i'll have is you. goodnight baby.

Take me away and make it okay, I swear I'll behave

2011-10-14T04:18:00.002+08:00

I'lll admit it- I'm totally smitten. Am so crazy over you, so crazy about you. Every little thing you do just endears you to me more. I don't know if it's possible for me to be anymore in love with you than I already am, I don't know if it's even possible for someone to love anyone more than I love you.

Every move you make makes me light up. I light up when you're around, I feel it and it feels like almost everyone can see it. You're the brightest supernova in my eyes but I reflect the light I see in you, so people see me light up. I'm happy being around you, everything about you makes me happy. It's just sad that somehow I can't seem to function like a normal human being cause I'm just too struck by you, you make me all mixed up inside and all that comes out seems to socially awkward.

But thanks for being who you are anyway, cause everything you do means so much to me. The smallest action from you is all I need to brighten up my days. I wish I could ask you to just stay by my side forever and never go- I never want to be away from you. I could be wrong, but I see so much in you; something so good and wonderful, even wonderful in its flaws.

You're not a perfect person, but there is nothing wrong with you or your flaws. You're really stunning and perfect to me, in every way. I hope you never doubt how special and wonderful you are, love.

We're star-crossed and can't escape

2011-10-02T22:55:00.003+08:00

You ruined me, is that what you want to hear?

Honestly, I have doubts about ever loving anyone again. Well, I guess I can- but I live in this constant fear, that you will ruin it for me. You know Ryan & Marissa from The OC? Many people might think their relationship was romantic, but honestly it was really dysfunctional and fucking crazy. I feel like that's us, and not in a good way.

I don't think love is supposed to be easy, but a relationship isn't supposed to be this hard and love isn't supposed to be this painful either. In many sick pathetic ways, I can't help being fucking in love with you though every sensible fiber in my body tells me not to. Every other fiber of my being tells me to make you happy, to do my best for you, to do anything for you.

However, I still think the best thing I can do is to walk away. How can I stay after everything? How can I stay, knowing my presence just seems to cause more & more problems? It's inevitable and I think it's high time I stopped lying to myself and just accept the truth; you are not meant for me.

That's life right? It's a bitter pill to swallow but it is what it is. There's not much else to do, it's just game over. I guess it's just hard to quit completely. Perhaps that's why I'm such an addict. With you, I just can't win. I've never been able to win. You scare me, everything about you scares me. The lengths I'm willing to go to and the hurt I can feel... There isn't a known unit of measurement for it, at all.

People are always scared of the unknown. There is also the fear that you'll ruin everything for me, while barely trying. Just your simplest action, tiny things like an "I love you" can pull my whole world apart at it's seams.

In truth I am just very afraid. I'm afraid that you will hurt me again, I'm afraid that I won't make you happy like how you deserve to be happy, I'm afraid that I'll hold you back, I'm afraid of how you make me feel; I'm afraid that no one will ever be able to fucking compare to you and that somehow or other, I will always love you. Most of all, I'm afraid of not being with you. That's the most fucked up part; it's so hard to walk away though it's probably the right thing to do.

It would be an understatement for me to say "I don't want to be in love", although more accurately I would say "I don't want to be in love with you." Yet I am, anyway. Against my will. Trapped and tragic like a condemned man sentenced to hang. Dead man walking.

You are my death, you will be my undoing.
If I continue to love you, I will die trying.

Beautiful

2011-10-02T03:10:00.002+08:00

Love is rare, honestly it is. And I'm quite surprised, cause it's the first time I've found myself falling so hard for someone I'm not that intimate or close to. It's weird in a way but I guess it's my own fault. I don't know why, I can't seem to be myself around you. I try & I try but I do something stupid instead and I fail miserably- so I probably seem like a fool to you. It's alright, I feel like a fool to me, too.

I wish I could tell you how special you are, how you're so different from everyone else- in incredible ways. I love that you're so pensive and secretly sensitive, I love all your fucking retarded mood swings and lame jokes. Everything about you is cute; even when you cough, you sound like a sick puppy ): Hahaha. That's a weird comparison, I know.

Honestly, there are just times when I feel like you see yourself as so much less than you really are, and you shouldn't. Cause you're beautiful inside and out- totally amazing, astounding, even in your strange ways, you are perfect, in your own way. There are just so many great things about you and I wish I could give you everything you've ever wished for or just simply make you happy, cause I think you really deserve to be the happiest person ever (:

So condescending, unnecessarily critical

2011-09-27T19:23:00.004+08:00

I am in a terrible mood. Things are going badly at work, at home, outside home and one of the worst people I've ever met (but whom I love unconditionally) is separated from me and not by choice. Everything feels so fucked up, I hate that feeling of falling apart, feeling weak and like I don't really feel like caring about anything.

I hate that I have to become so skeptical of people, especially when a certain guy just talks to me or does something nice for me, I start to wonder what his ulterior motive is. I don't want to be so cynical, I want to go back to being happy, carefree and believing in people again- but people prove me wrong so often. I would like to think most people are inherently good, or at least not inherently bad, but I've been proven wrong.

Why does there seem to be a dark side to everything? Is there no one in this world who believes in kindness and altruism anymore? It seems as though our race has perverted such that "survival of the fittest" trains us to kill others to survive and pure human selfishness sees that we blame others for our shortcomings, because we are unable to accept that we, are not... adequate? Not meeting our own standards?

I am unsure. I have always tried to do things in such a way that I feel I attain a certain level of satisfaction in most of my work. However, when someone else at work seems unable to attain her needed level of progress, she blames me. How nice. Honestly I wasn't intending to get personal but this bothers me. You are an editor at a magazine, I am an intern. Yes, I am your subordinate and you tell me what to do.

However, you being my superior (in role of employment) should firstly conduct yourself like a superior and a professional. Petty tantrums are far beneath you and taking out your unhappy emotions on me is just immature, especially for someone more than twice my age. Secondly, it astounds me that you expect me to catch your mistakes. Yes, granted, some mistakes were mine which I made while I was rushing to finish the huge workload which you handed me but I do not appreciate being blamed for your mistakes too, especially for matters on which I was not consulted.

If I am to be expected to work or function at your level, then would I not be a permanent editor or writer as it is? As a student, I am here to learn- but the attitude you address me with is as if I am a 30 year old undeserving of a much larger pay check than I am getting. I do not appreciate how you expect the interns to be your sturdy crutches. Isn't it unfair to lean so heavily on us and then be morose when we make mistakes?

If you are putting a 90kg load on a structure that's only meant to support 70kg, can you blame it for breaking? You are the one who chooses to pile on the work, I wonder how you managed it all with some of the prior (more ineffective) interns. Not only are you highly disorganized, I find your caustic remarks highly excessive and unprofessional. You are by far the most profligate self-indulgent person I have met in this industry.

Whenever you scold me for something which seems to have gone wrong, a mistake which you had not caught earlier or something along those lines, all I feel is it shows is that you are unable to do your job or handle your work like you would be supposed to. So who is the one who is ineffective? Is it me or is it you? I have yet to hear major complaints from any other editors besides yourself- who is the one with the problem?

In case I have ranted for too long, these are basically my issues with you:

1) Lack of professionalism
2) Lack of dignity
3) Lack of maturity
4) Demonstrations of bigotry
5) Hypocrisy
6) Incompetency
7) Lack of basic respect and/or regard for other humans - don't expect me to show you respect if you have trouble showing it. As a superior, you should lead by example. Setting that arguable point aside, I shall just plainly as well say that I don't give respect to people whom I feel are undeserving.

So out of the 7 points above, which do you feel I should respect? Hmm, I suppose I can show some respect to your hypocrisy because I cannot imagine functioning at that level of sanctimoniousness for an extended period of time. Bravo!

Out of genuine care and concern for the human race, I do advise that you improve on number 7 because, frankly, I feel that anyone whom fulfills that criteria has pretty much failed as a human being.

Although, this entry can also apply to a great many people I know and not just one. If you are someone devoid of kindness and empathy, you aren't human; you are a fucking robot/sociopath /animal, please find your own colony and leave the rest of the world alone. Especially me, as I'm tired of constantly encountering and being upset by your kind. Thanks.

I originally meant for this entry to be in general complaints about everything that's fucking going wrong but I guess this is what's first and foremost on my mind. As I said, I didn't intend for it to get so personal but am still glad I showed some restraint. I feel much better after expressing how I really feel ^^

My anger will make me stronger

2011-09-26T21:02:00.006+08:00

You know what? I'm gonna show you something cool,
You wanna tell lies? Well, I can fucking tell lies too
I said I'll never leave, but guess what?
I will leave you.

What makes you think, after all this time, you never infected me?
I've inherited all the very best poison from you
I'll show you I can make you hurt too
Push me, & I will show you how heartless I can be

The next time you want to commit suicide,
Please don't call me.

If it means a lot to you

2011-09-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

I just can't get it out of my head, the way I love you and how much I want you to be happy. Even when you're being an asshole or even when you lie and all... When I see you cry, it makes me want to die. Seriously it's probably the most hurt you've ever made me feel- not on purpose I guess but I just felt so helpless, I would've done anything in that moment if I could make you feel better. And I still feel that way. It is honestly a mystery, how and why I love someone who constantly lies and is so imperfect. But the fact is, I do. More than anything else on this green earth, I love you.

I always understood what George Bernard Shaw meant when he said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it." But I understood it on a purely intellectual level, not in a real, emotional way or an 'experienced' way. Now I kind of do. I did want you, for so long- but now I feel our moment has come and gone. Yes, I still love you but wanting you and loving you are two completely different things.

Like I said, "sometimes you don't want the things you love and you don't love the things you want." I know, you are not want I want. And this is just much much too difficult as it is. So please, don't love me. Just take it back, in a sick way, I kind of hope you didn't mean it. Cause I don't really want you to love me, it'll probably just hurt so much more. I'm afraid, so afraid of what could happen if it becomes too real. And I'll go insane if I hurt you cause I love you too much to ever hurt you. Do yourself a favour, don't love me. Keep yourself in a place where you can continue to hurt me. I'd rather you hurt me than I hurt you. I would never be able to forgive myself for hurting you, so please spare us both this pain.

I can honestly say that I never ever ever felt this way

2011-09-24T22:00:00.003+08:00

I cannot even begin to illustrate how difficult it is, to be so utterly and helplessly in love with someone whom you know is so bad for you. The process is torturous as you bend yourself to that person's will; doing anything and everything for his own good. And it's so difficult that you can't even hate him for all the hurt he inflicts on you. Everytime he hurts you or wrongs you, it's just auto = forgive.

Why liddat? I love you and hate the thought of you suffering, I hate myself for not being there for you and, stupid as it sounds- I haven't washed my shirt from the last night we spent together cause it still smells like you. It gives me strength and it crushes me at the same time. I miss you so badly, everytime my phone rings or vibrates, I hope it's you though I know it's impossible. It's hard, so hard being away from you.

Everything is just so intense and alive, I feel like a part of me is missing. Fuck. What the fuck is this, it's like I know you will never change (not for me I think) and I can't help but think of you anyway. And the last three words you said to me can't stop ringing in my head; haunting me in the best and worst ways possible.

You are perfect to me

2011-09-23T20:38:00.002+08:00

Perhaps you are cold and damaged but I somehow cannot convince myself that there is no hope for you. Even if you do not feel love, remorse or surface emotions like most people do, I cannot accept to myself that I can't cure you- I feel I have to or I'll die trying. Does that make me the sick one instead? Perhaps if you are the sadist, then I am the masochist; if you are the sociopath then I am the empath- both sick and twisted in our own ways.

However, if you are a sociopath- undoubtedly my waxing poetically about my love and concern for you would be pointless because none of it would move you. You would be aware of the emotion on an intellectual level and perhaps get a thrill out of my subservience to you, but you would not love me. Do you love me? I wonder. I thought I could see that you did, you told me you did- however I am unclear as to whether that was genuine or faked.

I want so badly to believe that you mean it, and I'm so scared at the same time. Yet I cannot stay away. What does that make me, really? An addict for dramatics, yes I know. But I truly do believe I love you, unlike any other. Actually, I take that back- it shouldn't matter whether or not you love me, what's important is I love you. Even if that doesn't make you feel anything, even if you can't feel anything, I just cannot accept that I won't be able to cure the darkness within you with love.

Isn't that what all cartoons and movies teach us? Though they might be cliches engineered to give hope, but I just cannot accept it. I. Cannot. Accept. It. I cannot accept the idea of you, being so damaged that you will never be able to change. I cannot accept the idea of you hating so deeply, that you are unable to feel any care or emotion for yourself. I hate that you hate yourself, because I love you. I hate whatever it is that caused all this darkness inside you, and I want to give you all the light I can.

There is just no way for me to accept it, maybe I live in denial but I cannot let myself believe that there is no hope for you. It sounds insane and I can only continue to insist. Please, even if you feel nothing, please let me do my best to try to cure you. Though my begging, to you, would be of no consequence- but think about it intellectually if you feel no emotion; you don't have anything to lose in this. I'm all in, as I always have been. Willing victim, yes, I've admitted it long ago, game over.

I will be whatever you want me to be, as long as it's the best for you. And I am determined to do my best to help you, I will love your pain away or die trying. I sound stupid and senseless, even to myself, but I just cannot accept and cannot stand the thought of you hurting- honestly it makes me want to die. Perhaps you aren't the most damaged person I've ever met, and I could always help someone else; more in need/more worthy or whatever- but the fact is, it doesn't matter.

There are people more condemned than you, there are those less. But the thing is, I love you in all your damage, with or without the baggage. You're always going to be so important to me that I don't know what I can do about it. But like I said before, I just want you to be happy. Please be happy, please don't shut people out anymore. Please believe me when I tell you that everything will be okay, and when I hold you and kiss you, believe that my love is pure and I love every part of you, and you deserve to be so much more.

Don't love me, I'm not asking you t0- love yourself, give yourself a chance. So you can be happy with who you are and find your true happiness from there. I'm happy to take whatever toxins you feel you need to give me, if it'll help you. I pray and hope you'll be okay, I hope you don't shut yourself in emotionally. You really might not believe it, but I didn't lie- the angel in you really does come out sometimes.

Holding you close to me, I realized I've never loved anyone more. I hope you can understand love and believe that it exists again. I will do everything I can, to keep you from destroying yourself. It'd be a tragedy, it would destroy me.

Save you

2011-09-22T14:59:00.001+08:00

I don't fucking know what to do, I'm just lost. I don't know whether to be angry, upset or worried or, fuck. I just don't know. And I really wish you were honest with me and had told me the truth and whatever was going on. Not knowing, is the hardest part. It's damn pain, fucking pain. Call me or contact me if you can please, I need to know that you'll be alright.

Thank you for loving me

2011-09-17T13:01:00.002+08:00

I don't know why you're always bullying me ): But you're really the cutest thing I have ever seen (: I cannot help but be fickle and I wish I didn't sound so fickle but I can say that it's not the same. Old loves will probably always be a part of me, but when I look at you, I light up like no one else can make me do. Perhaps it's cause you're new, and there's no old hurt or emotional baggage there, maybe it's because you're just so cheerful and wonderful- I really can't say for sure.

But I do know that you're something really special. I feel like you deserve the very best, of everything and you deserve to be treated really well and all. I'm pretty much in awe of you, you're so perfect that it scares me, terrifying and beautiful at the same time. I really wish I didn't always act like such a moron around you, it's like I get so caught up trying to just be normal and instead stupid things always happen to me or I almost accidentally walk into a wall or something, haha. I get nervous, I talk too much, my words all come out in a rush or a stutter and I'm constantly wondering what you're thinking about, good or bad or tragic or...

I know I think much to much. And for you to even possibly feel something for me, so dark and twisty, all my irrevocable flaws and imperfections- for you to care about me when I feel so plainly unworthy, that amazes me. You're really unlike anyone I've ever known, but maybe I was always meeting people in all the wrong places. You're what I'd really like to hope for this year, I feel so blind for never seeing it before. If tomorrow never comes, you should just know you're an entirely special wonderful person, you should be proud of yourself (:

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love

2011-09-16T12:49:00.002+08:00

You push me, I don't have the strength to resist or control you. Take me down, take me down. You hurt me, but do I deserve this? You make me so nervous. Calm me down, calm me down. - Never gonna leave this bed by Maroon 5

I just want someone to be honest with me. Is that really so much to ask? Preferably a few people in particular, but perhaps it is, since almost everyone can't fucking be honest with me. Maybe I should adjust my standards but I really don't understand why it's so difficult to just be real with someone else.

I know I've got issues and I try my best to deal, I don't wish to be so easily affected by everything and let all the small issues turn into big ones, but somehow or rather they still do. Perhaps it's just me... but then again. Yeah, quality over quantity. I'd rather have one truly honest person in my life who can be real with me, as opposed to ten fakes.

I wonder why humans act so cruelly to each other, I really do. Is it just survival of the fittest, crush others so that you can survive? Fuck. I don't want to be one of those emo fucks whom always finds some problem in everything, but I don't wanna be one of those forever optimistic "nothing is wrong, nothing is important, everything is shiny yellow and happy" people either. I'd rather just be normal. But what is normal, for me?

Perhaps I am just insane and I go through extended periods of sanity. I'll try my best to avoid trouble from now on, no matter in what form it seems or how selfish of me it may be. I should have learned by now, why don't I ever learn? One would think that by 20 years of age I'd be sick and tired, over all these teenage dramas and angst by now.

Why do I seem to have some sort of mental muchausen syndrome?! Okay I hate that I sound so self-centred with all the "I"s, but fuck it- this is self-reflection time, and thus I have to examine myself to check myself before I wreck myself.

I want to help people, I genuinely do. I especially hope to improve the lives of those around me and make them happy. But it seems like sometimes these people disappoint me so much, why? Perhaps I do have to be less harsh and more forgiving. Perhaps I need to be more harsh and less forgiving.

But another stubborn part of me somehow can't seem to accept that if you are good to someone, you give them 200% and the fucking best of you, that that person can still harm you. Like what the fuck, how is that possible?! Can you really harm someone who has given you the very best?

Apparently so. Time has taught me that life isn't a Disney cartoon or a movie. People will not hesitate to bite you and fuck you up, no matter how much you care about them/have helped them. Or is it because I am not truly altruistic, that these things hurt me? But hey, there is no true altruism. And I don't really want or expect anything back, I'd just appreciate it if I didn't have to face poor consequences as a result of trying to do good deeds.

I don't want a reward but neither do I want a punishment. And it seems fucked up that, the more good I try to do, the more punishment I receive instead. So by doing good deeds am I choosing to be punished? By caring for people am I inviting them to lie to me, to deceive me, to hurt me? Fuck, I don't want to be a fucking victim of muchausen syndrome, I don't want to be a victim at all. But this happens time and again, so how?

I guess if I'm addict, I'll just do my best to crack the habit. I will try my best to stop being an idiot hurting myself, fuck altruism and kindness, just fuck it all and let me be a cold hard bitch. Please & thank you.

Six feet under the stars

2011-09-10T22:01:00.002+08:00

I'm so sleepy, God help me. Work's so crazily busy and stressful- it's killing me. Of course it has it's fun and bright parts, my colleagues are mostly kinda hot so there's always eye candy to look at lol. And the brightest part of my working experience is of course bfffb. What would I do without him? ♡ to the max max max (: For always listening to my mindless crazy rantings, putting up with my obsessive compulsive anxiety order and so much more.

Anyway, I decided I should blog just so I remember stuff, so I can remind myself of stuff. The lesson that I've learned today is, "quality over quantity" when it comes to everything, even people. People are just so hard to please and you can't make everyone happy, even if you manage to- somehow you wind up making yourself miserable. That may sound selfish but I don't see any reason to make myself miserable for people whom just aren't worth it to me.

I see that not everything has to be black and white, not everybody has to be important. I know what's important and I'll act according to my conscience. Ironically, it's quite odd that things which used to hold interest and value to me have lost their appeal. Yes, sometimes the attention, praise and other stuff can be flattering but... that's all it is.

People can change their minds, they sometimes do. Nothing lasts forever, except the moments you once had. So treasure them while you have them because they'll be eternal, but once the moment's passed, learn to let it go. Don't spend your entire life living in the past, in one moment that you can never ever get back. Life goes on, it's too short to live in hate, fury or anger; it's too short to make yourself miserable forever.

I am grateful for all that I have now, and I truly thank God for all of it, the good and the bad. I can hold on to what is mine and let go of what is not, I can be my own person and no longer someone else's person. Life makes me weary sometimes but it's also fascinating, all the strangest littlest things can happen and that makes it truly amazing.

and I will love you baby, always

2011-09-04T02:53:00.006+08:00

I fell in love with you, like I no longer believed I could. After all that has happened in the past, I'm quite surprised to find myself still capable of emotion. I thought I'd be jaded or stone-cold, that my hurt from so many other times would manifest and make me a living, breathing ghost; merely a haunted shadow walking around but you changed everything. It's like I was drowning and you saved me, every hurt and sorrow from the past seems less hurtful, less painful. Just by being yourself, you're absolutely wonderful.

I've never believed that I could meet someone so right for me. I never even thought about it before. When I was growing up, every ideal I ever wanted in a dream guy- you're all that and so much more. Everyone else pales in comparison to you, perhaps not in achievements or other superficial areas, but where it counts, in my heart- no one else can compare.

When we're in the same room, it feels like my skin is on fire. Every nerve tingles in your presence and I can't think of anything other than wanting to be near you, wanting to be with you, wanting you. Your touch is the soft cool comfort that lulls away anxiety within me. Your every quirk is like a beautiful piece of art that makes up a painting and I love the dark jagged textures as much as I do the smooth bright colours. All your imperfections and perfections, they're what makes you all the more beautiful to me- something so perfect and wonderful, an incomparable ideal and perfect in it's complete and utter imperfection.

You have the most beautiful flaws I've ever seen.

Maybe it's just me, but SKF this is for you

2011-09-02T20:55:00.002+08:00

Some thoughts have been running back to me over the past few weeks. Today wasn't a mind blowing thing, but you approaching me, even for something unimportant, just that contact was what pushed me far enough and compelled me to think things through properly. And I think, no matter how unimportant I may feel, I just want to say:

Please get your shit together. Honestly, I want to ask this of you- I wish I could beg it of you. If you ever loved me, or ever had any semblance of a real feeling or emotion for me, you'd do this for me and just take care of yourself because it hurts me when you hurt yourself. Yes, I won't beg- not to your face anyway, cause I still have some semblance of pride. I've always been a prideful person. Perhaps not in an egoistic sense, but in the sense that it's not easy for me to put down my pride and put myself in a position of less power; being subservient, if you will.

It really doesn't matter that I gave you everything and you didn't give me anything back, it's fine with me. All I've ever wanted is for you to do well for yourself, to be something that I somehow believed I could see. You have a heart, you have it but you hide it. Maybe it hurts too much for you to live in the real world, maybe you just keep on not believing that you can do it. Actually, I know that you don't believe you can.

You screw up, and then you tell yourself that you're just a fuck up- no good and useless. But you know what? You do that because you secretly expect better, you want something fucking better for yourself and when you don't reach it, you can't accept it so you make excuses and just give up on yourself like I've seen you do, way too many times.

When problems appear, you run away as fast as you can. You convince yourself that you can't do anything about it, that you are doing all you can. But you should know that's not true. Maybe you fool everyone else, but deep down you can't satisfy yourself- you know you haven't done your best and you know you can do better but you aren't. You're just inevitably self-destructing as you try to lie, you try and you try and it doesn't work so you try harder to block out anything that hurts- anything to get you feeling good again.

You succumb to the demon within you, telling you again and again to do this and that. You feed him constantly with your pain, sorrow, excuses and evil actions. Let me tell you a secret, there are no evil people, only evil actions. You should know, but you need to be reminded that you are capable of good actions. There is an angel, somewhere inside you. He's weak, cause the demon is strong and you use the demon most of the time but I will swear that there is good in you, I've seen it first hand. Occasionally I doubt myself and feel I'm delusional but I remember an instance where you wanted to give money to a handicapped man because you said he seemed "poor thing". You felt sympathy for him, you were empathic- it shows that no matter how damaged you may seem or you maybe, there is still some good, somewhere, deep down in you.

This isn't about me, not being over you or our previous situations or anything of the sort. Though obviously, one would think, what business is it of mine? Well, yes I've moved on. But the fact is, moving on doesn't mean I stop caring. I do, I've always cared for you and it may perhaps be quite mean of me to try to play this card but- you said you didn't want to hurt me (I know you say lots of things and don't mean some of them but I believe you meant this) and you warned me not to believe in you cause you didn't want to hurt me. You hurt me anyway. Multiple times.

Perhaps the first few times were lessons. Like how you picked Hui Ting or whatever her name is over me, I don't really even remember her name now, the girl who lived in Sengkang. Funny how something that once hurt so much now seems irrelevant. Anyway, the point is, you did hurt me many times. It was direct and like a slap to the face most of those times but I learned from all those times. I was angry and upset each time, but I learned how to forgive. I pushed myself fucking far, my tolerance stretched and my pride more wounded than ever before, I laid everything I had down on the line for you, I gave you the very fucking best of me, nothing more to give, and I learned to expect nothing for it. So I guess I should thank you, honestly- because I learned that I shouldn't be so selfish and love myself so much, I learned to deny myself my pride and be a bigger person, I grew up emotionally and grew stronger.

With each hurtful act you threw at me, I eventually recovered. And you knew, you knew how I loved you when you told me about N and how you thought you were in love with her. I remember it all so clearly. And I remember the last time I saw you before that, it was on the 3rd of January 2010. Somehow, I even felt then, like it was goodbye. I took a cab over to your place after meeting a friend and I gave you a belated Christmas present.

Thinking back, it's funny how I always down played how I felt in front of you, I pretended the things you said or did didn't hurt me, I pretended that I didn't love you as much as I did- maybe that says more about me than it does about you. I felt I had to maintain my poker face. Sometimes, I still do. Not to you, but to others around me. But I digress. I think the whole point of this is just, no more poker face, no games or mind fucks or anything like that. 100% truth. I want to be fucking honest and I don't see the need to lie or hide or anything like that.

And what I want to tell you is this, I said goodbye to you on January but I still wished you and N the best. When we met up again in February 2011, after my relationship with another N ended, I was happy for you. Perhaps it still hurt my pride a bit, ~~perhaps I envied her,~~ (wait no, fuck that, no lies) of course I envied her, because you loved her. You loved her in a way that you never loved me. You changed for her and you made an effort for her. She was special, she was lucky. But my envy didn't stop me from feeling happy for you, when I saw how you changed for the better and got your act together, I was so proud and so happy for you. More than I cared to admit.

It disappointed me when you started screwing up, on purpose. And maybe I was partially to blame. If I could take it all back, would I? Maybe, probably not. I honestly don't know. And you see, the thing is- I lost myself for awhile back there. When I gave into you against my conscience, it was cause I was selfish, I was happy to be a part of your life again and I shouldn't have done those things with you, leading you back into everything which you had fought so hard to give up. The point is, I am selfish. We are all selfish people. But my love for you taught me to be less selfish, because I really did love you more than I loved myself.

I loved you enough to help you win back the one you loved more than me. Again, this isn't about me. My long winded point is, you hurt me multiple times but you never hurt me more deeply than when you hurt yourself. Slaps to my face, I can get over it. I have gotten over them. But when I see you slapping yourself, that hurts me the most. Which is why I said, it's a pity you don't love you as much as I do.

It's a pity that you don't want to look at yourself the way I look at you; which is better- better than all you are. I want more for you. Maybe it's not my right to want more for you or try to demand you do better or change your lifestyle. Yes, perhaps you enjoy it and I'm a psycho. Think that if you want. But the fact is, I don't judge you. I've seen you at your worse, time and time again. The things I say to you most of the time are harsh, but that's because I feel it's what you need, someone to be harsh and to push you to succeed. You would know it as well as I do and you can quarrel with me in your signature fashion but you would know the truth.

The real truth is, no one can change you- it all starts with you. And it's not easy, we all screw up and we fight with temptation all the fucking time but please, all I ask of you is to stop giving up on yourself. Be happy, you know you can do it. Don't do it for me, or for her, or whoever, do it for you. Love yourself, don't you think you deserve better?

You should do what you want, as long as it makes you happy and it doesn't hurt others. But are you really happy? Is this really what your life should be like now? Is an artificial high all you want from yourself as you constantly abuse yourself? I should talk, I've got issues, I know. I just think it's a waste, it's all such a waste, for you to have been through as much as you have and for me to go through it with you- we had a plan remember? On how to get your life on track, how to get her back, and you are just throwing it all away. Forgive me if I am overstepping my boundaries, but I want better for you, you should too.

And if all along, all I ever was was entertainment to you, if I was nothing, well- I know, at least it was real for me. So you can take my words as nothing if you choose, if they offend you, or you can believe me when I say that, in spite of everything, I meant every promise I ever made and I never lied when I told you I loved you, I was always fucking sincere and I was meant it. I still do. I don't fucking need anything from you, I don't want anything from you; this is not about me & you or anything like that- it's the exact opposite. This is about how I want absolutely fucking nothing from you, except for you to try to do better for you.

Just take some honest advice from someone who loves you. Seeing you get your act together, seeing you happy and with a bright future ahead of you, that would make me happy. I could be wrong, I could be wrong about everything and I could be wrong in all ways, you may disagree with me but... you should know I have your best interests at heart. And I want nothing but good things for you.

No matter how angry I get with you, no matter what it is, it just seems like I will never ever be able to hate you. And I don't want to, if I told myself I hate you, I'd just be lying to myself. I moved on each time because it was a necessity, and even as life goes on, I will always care about you. You know that and you should know and it might kill 100% everything about me that seemed a challenge or anything, perhaps in turn, you will hate me or find me hypocritical and tiresome and at the risk of that, I fold.

I lay all my cards on the table and even if you hate me or well... whatever the consequence maybe for me in this, nothing is more important than what's best for you.

P.S. I fucking want to laugh at myself, I just checked back at what I wrote on may 16th this year and until 4 months later, I'm still whining about the same thing. what the fuck. oh well, I know I tried. Nobody can say I never tried to do what was best for you, I've done all I can and I've loved you the best I can. That is all I can do.

take this pain from me

2011-08-14T03:32:00.002+08:00

no matter what happens, i'm never turning back.
the path i've set out on now isn't easy, anything worth it in life never is,
after all, life is a constant struggle, fighting everyday, to make it.
there are days when i feel so broken inside & that everything is pointless-
i guess i need to learn to pull through those days.

sometimes somethings just seem to lose their meaning to you,
and you wonder- what do they mean to others?
does the loss affect them as greatly as it does you?
naturally, human beings are prideful creatures,
we don't want to be vulnerable and thus we dress up all kinds of
walls around us to hide our vulnerability, a method of survival.

but sometimes you put up so many walls till everyone loses track
of what's underneath, even yourself.

i'm slowly walling myself in now and it's for my own greater good.
sometimes, people only put up walls to see who cares enough to break
them down. but if that's no one, i'm fine continuing on my own.
i have to be.

i'll gather all my strength and go on.
this is hard, this is a struggle
but it challenges me, pushes me to be a more driven indivdual.
perhaps more cold, calculating and less nice or etc,
but i'm certain what i'm doing is the right change for me
i'll never look back.

i went through too much pain in the past,
so much pain that i will make sure i never go through it again,
if i can help it. harder better faster stronger, self preservation is tough.
i will do my best to retain my morals while i try to do what i need to do.

my insecurities occasionally poke at me,
but i'm sure- i'm someone awesome,
i know i'm doing the right thing (:

you're my boomerang

2011-08-04T17:06:00.002+08:00

funny how each time, everytime i was with someone,
i always felt like i had something to prove to you.
truly, you're like a boomerang; each time you come & go
in & out of my life effortlessly and as it suits you.

each time you leave, and each time you come back,
apologetic about your wrongdoings, being honest with
me and getting me to trust you again. then a little while more,
& you just pack up everything and leave all over again.

each time you come back, you seem so sincere, so apologetic
and each time i take you back grudgingly, trying to remember
to be hard hearted and how much it hurt each time, trying not
to make the same mistakes.

but i fail each time.

because i always end up caring about you in the end,
i open my heart up to you time & time again,
just for you to hurt me when you hurt yourself with your self destructive ways,
for you to disappoint me when i know you can do so much better for yourself
& that you deserve so much better for yourself.

it's really quite a sick cycle. because each time after,
i somehow feel the need to prove to you that i can pick up
& be better, be happier without you. i don't know what's inspired
this sudden honesty within me, maybe it's good that i've come to a
point where i don't feel i have to hide such facts.

fake it till you make it right?
well, i don't have to fake it anymore... i can admit i used to.
so i guess this means i've made it? i don't know.
i haven't thought much about you in awhile, though i'm not too
proud to admit that i still care for you. perhaps i always will.
it's just like that.

but i also do know your actions are still fucked up.
& i'm just happy, to realize that finally, you're not someone
or something that dictates my actions anymore. i don't live
under that fucking shadow that i used to, somehow wondering
what would you think about this and that, wondering if you're
thinking of me at all or not.

i doubt you are, and that's okay-
cause i really realized, no matter what happens, life goes on
and the world will continue to turn, with or without you
i can live with or without you,
i'm strong enough to make it on my own.

congratualtions to me, i think i've finally learned something.
& God bless you R, who knows what you do & why you do-
but i guess whatever it is, even if your behaviour is fucked up,
if it's to do with yourself, "you happy can liao."

i no longer feel like i have to prove anything or worry (:
i am happy (:

too cold for you to keep her, too hot for you to leave her.

2011-08-03T20:00:00.005+08:00

my current favourite tv show: the 9 lives of chloe king.
it started out a little lame and predictable, but now i'm
pretty much in love with it, thanks to this ship, chloe and alek.

couldn't find a better picture ): but anyway,
they totally have this shan cai & dao ming si
from the iconic meteor garden) vibe going on la!

i think it's kinda because benjamin stone (alek)

looks something like jerry yan (dao ming si).

like caucasian to asian version hor?
both so hot, with those slim faces & sharp features-
perfect noses omg.

but anyway, my point is that alek & chloe have amazing chemistry
& quite a lot of angst. (not as much as dao ming si & shan cai, but sometimes
it's nice to see happy relationships hahha) i'm so rooting for alek & chloe!
hope they'll be together in the end (: alek is so much cuter and more awesomely
characterized than her other love interest! (forbidden love, hua ze lei type who's
strong silent and broody. blah.) give me two beautiful blond people together anyday!

they really belong together (: so perfect for each other! hahaha.
i always preferred guys with character over silent, broody types.
plus, alek & dao ming si both totally have the hot bad boy (who
can't show how much he really cares) thing going on. very hot in tv shows,
though in real life, such guys would actually make you pull your hair out.
still, sweet to watch (:

okay i just wanted to blog about this cause i love benjamin stone.
& i needed to express how awesome/cute alek & chloe are as a couple!
ARGH MAD LOVE! hahaha.
catch 9 lives of chloe king & see if you agree with me (:

in other news, i went sourcing with disa today & it was fun!
work is still keeping me madly busy but not too busy to think-
i came to the conclusion that, i rather spend time alone than spend
time with people who don't really care about me. it's like, i rather be
alone than be with fake friends and etc, you know?

maybe it's a sign that i'm growing up (:
hope that's good. i'm still young & rather damaged
but i'd like to think that i'm figuring things out on the way
& that i'm getting there. pray for the world and that everything goes well,
things with my mom especially. i'd also like to thank God for what i have
now though, cause i think, i'm pretty lucky anyway (:

smile everyone! life's really too short to live in misery.
love,

How to lose a frenemy in 10 ways

2011-08-01T15:52:00.001+08:00

What is a frenemy? A frenemy is that friend you have whom seems to be more of an enemy instead. That one friend you have whom always leaves you feeling uneasy after you talk to her or always seems to want something from you. Kristie Koo gives you some tips on how to lose these bad friends.

1) Avoid them
You don’t need to make it horribly obvious because then it’d be really awkward (you are frenemies after all) but just try to make excuses not to see this person whom seems to not to have your best interests at heart. Tell them you are busy, construct valid reasons for your absence and try to limit your encounters with them.

2) Don’t react to them
Notice your frenemy is always trying to do things to provoke you? This person just wants to get a reaction out of you, and when you ignore their provocations, it irks them. For example, your frenemy says, “you’re so lucky a smart guy like him is interested in someone like you.” Ignore it. Just say “thank you” or act gracious towards her, don’t let her see if the comment bothers you.

3) Protect yourself
Don’t share any information that your frenemy can use against you later or gossip about you. If anything, share with her things that you don’t mind others knowing, so that you can shrug it off if she tries to gossip about you. This way, you’ll be using her own bad intentions against her.

4) Play it cool
Be aloof, don't return phone calls, don’t chat with them on Facebook- stop getting caught up in the details of your frenemy's life. Keep your responses neutral and slightly cool. Begin creating distance by pulling back the amount of emotional and physical energy you put into this relationship.

5) Not guilty
Don’t give into any feelings of guilt, remember that it’s not your fault- sometimes relationships flourish, sometimes they deteriorate. We aren't meant to be best friends with everyone. There is no point staying with friends with someone who is harmful to your mental or emotional well being. Don’t blame anyone, sometimes it takes more strength to let go than it does to hold on.

6) Let yourself get caught up
With new friends, that is. Meet new people and allow yourself to slowly move away from your frenemy, enjoy the time with your new friends instead. Your frenemy will get the hint eventually.

7) Be determined and stand your ground
More often than not, the frenemy will try to bully you in small ways or convince you to do things you don’t want to do. Don’t give in to him or her. You are your own person, you shouldn’t have to be forced into doing anything you don’t want to! (In the same way, don’t try to bully your frenemy as well, you wouldn’t want to stoop to their level!)

8) Remember your morals
Stop compromising your morals, integrity and common courtesy for the suspectible behavior of others. By acting out in a malicious, harmful manner, frienemies can damage relationships with your truer, more steadfast companions. Remain civil and mature in any limited dealings you may have with the person. Just say hi and bye in person when you see your frenmy. Keep conversation to a minimum, if you have to talk to the frenemy.

9) Confront her
It may be scary to confront your frenemy, but it’s best to let people know how and when they offended you rather than holding it all in. The trick is to soften the blow of what you have to say as much as possible. Let her know before hand that you really want to discuss something important and let her know how you really feel in a calm, relaxed way. Be understanding if she grows defensive. However, don’t back down. In a calm voice, let her know that you have to get everything off your chest before you can continue being friends. You don’t want to be hurt again.

10) Don’t be afraid to walk away
A frenemy is not worth keeping around, especially when she is hurting you. If you can’t resolve the issues between the two of you, agree to go your separate ways. Though it may hurt a little bit, doing so will be better for you in the long run.

you never have to question my love.

2011-07-31T23:59:00.002+08:00

hello i'm really busy & exhausted.
just got back from cruise to redang (with si jing) today.
met jordy in the evening for bubble tea & then mj-ed with lau, nick & aly.

like i said, i'm exhausted. internship everyday is driving me insane!
bring me back to my island paradise with my love please, that's
what i reallyreally would love right now.

burger + smokes by the ocean from the room's balcony. shiok right?

this picture reminds me of "stereo love". i'm not sure why,
i think cause it's very chill/summer-y kinda feeling lol.
okay i need to sleep now, as i've said 10 000 times, i'm exhausted
& i miss the special one so much & i've too many things to do okay goodnight!

my heart's a stereo, it beats for you so listen close

2011-07-23T10:25:00.004+08:00

i fucking love you, isn't that enough?

i wish it were enough. it seems like cracks are now starting to
form in what i had thought was a solid foundation. every insecurity
and vice starts to scare me. i'm not sure if it does you, too.

your poker face is just too powerful for me to see through,
i have that terrible feeling - when you feel you've just raised too much
& you're in too deep, you cannot get out. almost all in already, so now how?

don't you realize how special you are to me and how i set aside all my time for you?
or do you think this is what you're entitled to? perhaps it's a mistake for me to feel
this way anyway, it's still so wrong and painfully unsuited, perhaps i don't make you happy,
the way you make me happy.

& as always, i think too much.
have been so crazily busy working, spending time with friends, working...
my sleep is really abysmal. i don't even know how to sleep properly anymore.
it's taking a big toll on my mood and my complexion. i look like i've aged 10 years i think.

adult life is great- though, i don't think things get any easier, it's probably the same or harder,
you just have no choice but to get stronger.
ah life... but poker, mahjong, sc2, and most importantly-
God, family and my friends are my salvation.

i wonder, is it too late for me to fold now?

i don't wanna miss one smile

2011-07-10T11:58:00.004+08:00

you touch every place in my heart
but perhaps growing older really increases one's cynicism.
you go through too much, all the life experiences and ugly things in the world,
it makes one doubt everything beautiful.

anxiety, apprehension, disquiet, misgivings, uncertainties...
we all have them. some more than others.
i had my misgivings in the beginning and i still have them now.
but

losing half a year waiting for you here, i'd be your anything.
anything. funny how 'but' changes everything, right?

sometimes it's hard, cause ironically someone can move you so much
but though your heart is touched, your mind still has misgivings.
not just misgivings about how to protect yourself, but misgivings about
whether it can actually work.

the stress of being an adult- you learn compatibility.
as much as i love to be immature and carefree, or would love to be,
i can't deny that compatibility really is a factor. a lot of things factor in...

i know i sound so negative, but ironically, like i said-
with you the trouble doesn't seem so troubling.
i am happy when i'm with you.

it's just that simple. just being with you.
so i guess the gist of my ramblings are, you make me happy
& thank you for that
cause that's more than i could ever ask for (:

teenage dream

2011-07-03T13:36:00.002+08:00

i'm falling in love with you.
i think i am.
& that scares me, cause to me- love is real, love lasts & it hurts like crazy.

it's not just something i can feel & then get over easily,
the repercussions & the echoes of whatever happens will echo
within me forever. there are so many "what if"s, too many.

honestly, i feel just rather foolish
cause i don't know anything other than,
i'm falling for you & that scares me.

i see all the good parts in you,
i see all the bad parts too-
so i guess it means something when i still want you

the heart needs to slow down so that the head can catch up,
i'm swept away- lost in you, drowning too deeply in your eyes.

please don't leave me,
ever

it's easy, let it go

2011-06-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

holding onto anger & hurt from the past only
scars you more emotionally deeply in the long run.
there's no one left to finger, there's no one here to blame

i'm sitting in bed, listening to sarah mclachlan's soothing voice
to soothe the destructive beast within me, trying to calm it with
melancholy instead- & it's pretty much working.

issues issues issues. i have so many issues with myself,
within my own head & it puzzles me.
why?

why do i have so much trouble accepting & making peace with myself?
do i need validation so badly? i know i need to be independent, i know
this & that, i know what i think i know, but why am i somehow still so petty?
it's like i'm unable to attain that final step- the nirvana i wish to attain is somehow
so near yet so far.

life is awesome, things that have been happening to me are so amazing,
i'm so truly grateful for everything- perhaps it's also my own expectations that
i need to adjust. i can't expect everything to be perfect & just fall into place right?
at this present time, i'd say things are pretty close to perfect (:

i just need to not mess this up for myself then.
it's easy we all falter, but does it matter?
remember all the good that happens- thank God for it
& love the ones around me, believe in myself & love myself,
be the best that i can be and do my best for the people i love.

i'm growing up & i need to take more responsibilities,
over thinking causes a lot of problems for me-
thoughts are so disorganized sometimes i don't even know what
i'm thinking about. can't organize the things in my head properly.
arghh. frustrating max.

oh well, i'm in a beautiful place-
shall try not to think too much.
chase the demons away, i know i can.

we could rewrite history, if only you & me.

2011-06-22T00:14:00.002+08:00

hello everyone (: here i am to show you today's shopping haul!
bought so much awesome-ness! am so happy now ahahah (:

comfortable platforms. even if they weren't comfortable, i'd still buy them.
shoes are every woman's passion, and sometimes you have to suffer for your passion. lol.

kawaii or what?! mad loves (:

bought this top today too. okay, i know you can't see the design clearly,
but it's cage sleeves with mesh. love it so much! only $10, yay! :D

okay random camwhoring pic just because i could :x

love my chanel earrings to death.
they were given to me as a gift, buti lost one side, and was so grief stricken
that i eventually couldn't take it and bought another pair lol.

the place where i learn driving is rather scenic, huh? (:

on the way to driving. a rare makeup-less picture where i look okay!
wow leh (:

*sigh* i'm supposed to be doing my article for teenage magazine & instead
here i am procrastinating. how like that?! hahaha i'm looking forward to
shopping with jordy tomorrow & meeting baktee after that (:

i hope they've some helpful input to help save my life.
okay, i should stop freaking out and start trying to think of
sensible things. bye all of you (:

bound to happen

2011-06-20T00:35:00.003+08:00

amazing how so much can change in a year,
amazing.

life is just that fleeting- everyday, you've got to keep moving forward
or risk being lost in the blur. i, myself, think that i am rather lost as it is.
but as the world turns i just go with the flow & lose myself in life.

it's not my time to take a stand yet. i'd still rather idle awhile more,
if God allows me to. it's always been in my nature to take charge & be
on the go, but many recent events have been quite a blow- big changes
have hurt me much more than i care to admit, maybe this is the only
place where i can be real or totally honest anymore.

strangers would think i'm quite a basket case.
i used to enjoy blogging about events a lot, going out & all,
i still do- but i don't feel as compelled to blog as i do when i have
something emotional to say. lol.

i've got my internship interview tomorrow.
part of me actually hopes i don't get it so i can just keep slacking,
somehow or rather- i'm rather confident i will though. & my cynicism
tells me, "prepare for the most painful situation possible. prepare."

i know i appear to be a bimbo most of the time, especially recently-
i know i am so much more. but hey, good things don't come easy right?
people put up walls to see who cares enough to tear them down.
there's still much for me to learn, there's still much for me to do-
i need to keep learning to get stronger, i need to stop getting tangled
up in my own webs, my own spider webbed fragments of the past and
the constrictions i place upon myself.

my ghosts haunt me, they taunt me, they play in my head
and do the worst they can possibly do. but honestly my ghosts don't
matter much to me anymore (: i know that "sometimes, things have to fall
apart to make way for better things". ain't that the truth. i've no regrets (:

here & without you

2011-06-19T01:01:00.003+08:00

"过往温柔, 已经被时间上锁. 只剩挥散不去的难过." - jay chou

the tenderness in the past, has been locked in time.
all that's left is sadness that cannot be dispersed.

i don't know why jay chou is such an emo fuck. LOL.
he needs to go for counselling, i swear. but he's so madly
talented. love him max.

i love the tenderness in the past. sadly, it is indeed locked in time.
no way to get it back, just look on it as good memories. things
change, & if i deny such, then i'm just being impractical.
it's not me to be impractical.

anyway here's some photos from the photo shoot with
hanyong & rachel that day (: photography by the fubar fairy
(baktee & i). assistants were hanxin & ardi lol.

candid.

the more i see of people, the more i start to believe they are crazy.
& emotions scare me. makes me feel like not dealing with all the craziness.
baby i just wanna dance, i don't really care (;

"but with you, the trouble doesn't seem so troubling"...
either way, we shall see. i'm not going to think too much-
just let things happen as they can and be passive.

as it is, i already care far too much in all ways, it terrifies me
i care enough for it to hurt, for it to hurt a lot.
i'm in over my head & i don't wish to dig myself in any deeper.
pull me in if you want to, but i don't think i'm going in alone.

with or without you

2011-06-13T18:41:00.008+08:00

i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling like i have no control-
helpless-ness equates to almost useless-ness within my mind.
though it may be an inevitable, unchangeable situation but
i have trouble accepting, i have trouble dealing.

i hate the demon within me that feels like this,
this needy someone. but don't we all need someone?
well, i guess some people are born independent.
sadly, i'm not one of them.

but seriously, kudos to myself- i'm much more fragile
than i'll ever let on. much more emotional, so much
more easily breakable. & i hate that i myself have to
feel this way, i'm always my own worst enemy- tormenting
myself with images, ideas, concepts of what upsets me.

is it too much to ask? is it so much to understand?
ohwell. i should quit being spoilt, i know we can't all
get what we want- and as it is, i should be grateful.
i'm lucky.

but more than anything, i guess i just wish there is/was
someone i can rely on 24/7, but hey... how can i expect
anyone else to love me, when i don't even love me?

& i'm still working on that, figuring myself out and accepting
myself; socially awkward, fucked up behaviour and all. it's so
much easier just being vapid. i should just party & party & party.

i should.

ohwell. at least i do have some sweet friends whom put smiles
on my face. i think i need them way more than they need me,
but they're awesome/amazing people & i mad heart them (:

some pictures from MBS 2 weeks ago.

packston & russell (:

he's off in tekong where there is no cheese/macaroni sausage lol.

lau's new facebook display picture. like cool only ah.
fierce! jay chou's body guard! lol.

"fall in!" okay i fall in fail. lol.

nick: "all stand in one line, damn style" lol. packston's facebook display picture (:

happy boys

love this picture (: russell like colgate model only lol.

cliftontanjiaqing LIKE A BOSS only. lol.

my trip to melbourne may be delayed ):
stupid volcanoes in chile! for life errupting and causing
mayhem and problems with air travel hahaa.

okay luh, even looking at the pictures and all has cheered
me up slightly (: maybe i'm easily placated. lol. i suppose
it's a good thing though? no point thinking so much- if i don't
go to melbourne, i'll have more time to play club & poker! (and that
can only be a good thing :D)

sometimes my teenage dream feels like a teenage nightmare.
but i do need to grow up & be adult in some ways. & i miss
pumpkin soso much. lucky i kept occupied throughout the weekend,
& played mahjong with dom, nick & aly yesterday. danial came to
stay over after that. pineapple express + junk food. hell yeah \m/

thanks for the company nangiel (:
good times. hahaha. later tonight i get to meet my bfffb!
yay! okay sorrow no more! get myself psyched up!
(okay i know i sound crazy and bipolar, but hey- it's like
building back up my blocks after they all fall down) lol.
bye everyone (:

smother me

2011-06-12T13:28:00.003+08:00

phuture on wednesday- clubbed with sam, mervin, nick tham,
sam's friends & hanxin, hanyong, jane, ardi & kevin.
sam & i spent $400 each that night -.- fucked up hahaa.
ran into brandon & one of my secondary school classmates there lol.
it was a retarded night, fuck.

home to sleep for one hour then woke up to
go to pasir ris to say bye to the pumpkin ):
it was raining and all. super emo can!
ran into mitch at pasir ris though, lol. so caught
up with her a bit too (:

tired like fuck after that, went home slept
and woke up for dinner with freddy & jiamin (:
hung out with them and all, then home early
cos i was so fucking sleepy...

friday club again, mahjong first then nick sent
me to rebel to meet hanxin, ardi, hanxin's friends
& jane (: 151 is the reason why i'm sick now. haha fuck.

saturday met jordy for awesome ramen omg.
thankyou for the lan and orange juice!
played cs/l4d2 with him after that. he's not
bad- about same standard as me (hahaha so i can't say he sucks)
it's not true anyway- he is pretty good lol.

home to host mahjong and play poker after that
with russell, cliff, lau, tedmond and dao ming.
nick & shaun lim, azar and aly came over for mj (:

was a super good night. i had epic poker hands!
even though i was sick and all, fuck care. i'm
a happy happy kid. going to meet fion later! yay!

off to melbourne later in the week bye! (:

you spin my head right round

2011-06-10T17:18:00.003+08:00

have you watched the hangover part 2?
that's my life now. everyday, wake up & repeat.
LOL.

enjoying life & spending $ like there's no tomorrow,
somehow though, my heart & soul remain intact.
i still feel, i still care, i still love-
& i am happy with my life.

occasionally i do have my emo moments, but
overall, i am happy. & that's more than i can ask
for. all i wish for now is happiness for those
around me & for my mother, especially.

i only want good things for everyone,
love.

tell me

2011-06-07T02:47:00.002+08:00

it bores me slightly. i don't need to see a poker face 24/7,
i've always liked sensitive guys- but more & more i see,
i don't want to be involved with some sensitive boy.
man up please.

no need stoic caveman, but a slightly sensitive man would
be fine. which girl wants to date some loser guy, always
down on himself and the world? seriously, why complain for
ages about what you don't have? it's only highlighting
what you lack.

why not show your strengths? not in an egoistical
or overboard fashion, but isn't that what the animal kingdom
does too? show others their strong points? it's weird how people
vary between the two extremes; extremely self deprecating or
extremely egoistical.

i guess that's only human. the gist of what i'm trying to say is-
honestly, i care about you. i care about you so much.
but i'm sorry i'm just so tired of the drama. not just from you,
but everyone. i'm not interested in your weakness. i can accept it,
i can look past it, i can love you despite it, but i don't want it
to be the biggest thing about us or the glue between us, i don't
want it to be everything i see from you.

i can do everything for you, i can do my best-
but quid pro quo, you know? recently, i've learned to
respect myself more, & i'm happy for that, i've reconciled
with myself somewhat, & i can't lose that at all, not for a second.
colder & stronger, happier.

the scientist

2011-06-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

i cannot allow myself to have this propensity for weakness within me.
people are like sharks, they can smell blood- they will attack me at the
first sign of my weakness. i'd rather just pretend or let myself seem
more angry than vulnerable, i'd rather cover up my vulnerability with anger.

given the choice, i rather choose to appear fierce & angry, so not to let
people take advantage again. what the fuck is this, time and again all
kinds of shit happens to me and i still merrily accept it, continue-
i choose not to be cynical, believe in people again but again and again,
YEA THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE WHIPS AND CHAINS BUT I'M
THE ONE TYING MYSELF DOWN TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN. shiok!
FUCKING SHIOK SWEE TO THE MAX, I SWEAR.

what other possible reason other than insanity could i have for doing
this? fuck this man seriously, so much anger within me. i rather just blurt
everything out and be honest for once, i don't care what the fuck anyone thinks
or who the fuck knows.

like rochino for instance, dreamed of him yesterday, that we were friends
again and he was working things out with nicole and all. good for him, happy
for him- woke up and realized it was a dream, not reality.

you see, what everyone always tells me but what i never seem to learn is that,
he will always fuck me up or use me when it is convenient for him. but when
he is tired of playing with my feelings/using me, he will just fuck care about me.
sure he can say he loves me/misses me/i'm important blahblahblah- but what the
fuck, words are just words seriously.

probably in his own sick way he does care for me somewhat,
since i choose to (perhaps delusionally) believe that i see some good in him
that no one else seems to see. & despite the way things are now (again) i really
wish the best for him and just wanna see good things happen for him.

ironic, considering i have kind of run out of patience to put up with his
nonsense and ill treatment, but i still care about him somehow despite
all the fucked up things he has done and will probably continue to do.
oh well, enough about that... it's not just him, he's an example for lots of
people and lots of issues.

honestly i am quite sick in the head to encounter or entertain such people.
why subject myself to the emotional torture? teach myself to suffer just to
justify to myself that i'm a good person? someone selfless? fuck all that!
i should just be a selfish cynical bitch hor?! sadly, it's not in my nature.
but i can try to change, i can try to fucking try.

i have good people i love around me, like baktee, sam & etc. i accept that
nobody is perfect, like danial. i try to see the good behind the flaws & i love
the people around me, no matter how fucking retarded they are, despite them.
but there are some lines that just cannot be crossed, yet i see people around me
crossing them anyway, just pushing me to see how far they can go.

fuck you, i'm not going to pretend to be a sick cat and let you step on me.
i swear i will fucking learn! for fuck i put myself through all these nonsense?
do i deserve this? FUCK I KNOW I DON'T. no matter what you wanna say/feel
about me, maybe i am fucking fat or ugly or selfish or spoiled or whatever, but
fuck your idea seriously i know i've always done my best for the people around
me and i have NEVER harboured any malicious intentions.

i learned before but i just needed the reminder,
show no weakness & we do not negotiate with terrorists.
i refuse to continue behaving like i am blind and stupid. i will go against
my conscience if i have to, i will not let myself be so openly hurt anymore.

i will be fierce & firm even if it hurts me to do so. this weakness will be hidden
from everyone else, except those whom i trust not to kill me when i'm already
bleeding. fake it till you make it, if you are weak, learn to be strong. cause you
can only choose either course, & i will not be that coward, choosing to be weak.

i'm all about you

2011-06-03T12:46:00.004+08:00

wishlist/good things to look forward to:

1) melbourne- later this month (:
2) london- also later this month!
3) kl/genting- either this month or next month :D
4) TP TEST!!!!- 4th july :D
5) winnie the pooh movie (sam wants to watch lol) 4th august 2011
6) automatic mahjong table!
7) gucci belt
8) swarovski ring
10) cannon d20- i'm gonna sell my lumix to get it (:

happyhappy stuff (: now i just need more money to do the awesome
stuff i wanna do. been spending like crazy, feel quite guilty :x the swarovski
ring is one less thing i have to buy though, cause the magic pumpkin sam
says he's gonna buy it for me lol, yay! i just have to wait for him to save up ):

hahaa. i'm impatient kid. OMG SO EXCITING THOUGH (:
i have such great people around me & i love them so much, the $ is coming in
& life is great. i'm grateful (: if i die now/tomorrow/etc, i die without regrets (:

i like the way you take away the pain

2011-06-03T03:11:00.004+08:00

so tired, omg. practically falling asleep on the couch now lol.
king of fighters is starting on hbo soon and i wanna watch though.
I'M A NERD I KNOW, but sean faris + maggie q, who can resist?!
my tv screen is gonna explode from the heat, haha.

yesterday met dan & baktee to chill at fernvale, then they came
over till like almost 8am this morning. i slept from 8 till 12 then
went to have dinner at marina bay sands with pumpkin (:

ate at daniel boyd's bistro- celebrity chef restaurant. was pretty
nice luh, but not as mind blowing as tatsuya or what should/can be
expected from a celebrity chef restaurant. it was essentially good, but
below below expectations. the service was pretty good and the surroundings
were nice though. it was nice to be somewhere special (:

bad pictures cause i'm lazy to edit lol.

my duck confit, the meat was so soft- pure awesomeness on a plate (:
but then again, i've had just as good at the brasserie wolf at raffles quay

foie gras. he said it tastes like a winter melon -.- lol so cute, never
ever heard someone say that about goose liver before. told him what
it is and he nonchalantly kept eating. damn cute, really like dustbin,
everything also eat! he had snails & chicken for his appetizer- claimed it was
really good but i refused to try cause i don't eat snails. personal rule lol.

happily enjoying his steak (:

walked around MBS a little bit after. all the pretty shops make me
ohsohappy, it's like the atmosphere is just supercharged. can't wait
till i'm 21 (: the coming months seem to hold much promise & happiness :D

we went to marina square to shop, play pool and watch kungfu panda 2 after that.
so awesome, i like :D it had a very important meaning to the story. super meaningful.
you can't change your past, but you can change your future. the baby panda was
super adorable! omg i want a panda please!

he sent me home after that and came over to accompany me for awhile (:
though i'm sick now and damn sian all, still happy for the great day, yay.
omg pray i get well soon. i'm gonna sleep now, CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE SO SLEEPY
GOODNIGHT!

no matter where life takes me to

2011-05-27T21:33:00.007+08:00

i've come to the conclusion that before you meet the right
person for you, most people have to meet the wrong ones.
some people, really lucky ones- get it right on their first try.
i see my friends settling down with people who really love them
& i feel so fucking happy for them (: cos honestly they deserve it,
i'm happy they've found happiness.

i don't know when will it be my turn, but i won't waste time
pining or wishing or feeling sorry for myself, i'm just happy
to keep on moving forward with my life. i feel like i'm in a good
place right now, i'm about to enter into another stage and with much
more amazing things that life has in store for me, it's exciting (:

i just don't want to let negative emotions and nostalgia and all kinds
of monsters creep into my happy place. the evil of internal burns is;
you can't really know how serious they damage is- thus you might die
from them. i have monsters in my past, scars that will be there every
fucking day, never fading-

most of the time, i ignore them but sometimes-
they still hurt like hell. they're there as a reminder,
of my foolishness, of my pain and all i gave up. also, they're
there as a lesson, to teach me how to be stronger and to make me stronger.

i really actually marvel sometimes, at how human beings can
hurt each other so much. we're not animals, we have souls and
consciences, yet why do we inflict so much pain on each other?
just for the good of ourselves?

why are these the ideals we have chosen for ourselves?
we can move the world forward to a collective good but instead
we hurt ourselves with this negativity. this unnecessary negativity?
i really hope, i can do my part too & build myself harder better faster stronger,
less weakness- correct myself and what's inside myself, so that the rest will follow.

i'm really glad to have this slightly gay looking boy in my life, for all the wonderful
advice and for perhaps, seeing all the best & worst parts of me that no one else sees.
thankyou baktee, words really fail to describe... anything. but you're really my bfffb
and i don't think anyone else really knows me quite like you do. haha except maybe
sarah, who i've told everything to- but you're someone who knows me so well, i don't
even need to say anything & usually you still get me anyway, you don't openly judge me
despite how fucked up i am, and you take great care of me & are so damn good to me,
i really wish i could do all the same things for you or help you in the way you've helped me.

"FUCK ALL YOU FAIR WEATHER FRIENDS, ALL I NEED IS HIM!" - dr dre
hahaha, very true. thankyou for standing by me all this while, and my apologies-
for not being there with you when i should have, through your 8 month relationship
& all. but i guess all of that happened and taught us both very valuable lessons- which
will hopefully just strengthen our friendship (:

fucker you will probably say i am angkat bola-ing but i'm not la,
though we both discussed who i should say "i want my next boyfriend to be just like you" to,
but seriously- though to me he has good qualities that you have, i rather my next boyfriend
be like you, (if it isn't him) cause seriously who else the fuck is so damn good? so yeah,
if my next boyfriend is something like you that'll be damn good for me cos i know he'll
treat me damn well and be nice and kind and etc

you give me hope for the rest of mankind (:
it is both an honour & a privilege to know you sir!
& i hope you will be happy and not judge yourself so harshly,
cause you deserve to be fucking happy in everything you do.
you just deserve to be happy- so much.
love you bfffb (:

i guess the good things in this world are all there to get us through the bad.
every hurt, everything, seems like all one hurdle after another- just another
mountain to climb. but i only have two options, to be weak or to be strong,
& i choose to survive. i refuse to breakdown, i hate to be seen as weak & i refuse
to be weak. there is no reason for me to be such.

support, love, care & etc... they are wants, not necessities. i will make it out on my own.
i should be old enough to know by now, that if God brings you to it,
he will bring you through it. i just have to choose not to give up on myself,
i should know what to do- i just need to bring myself to do it.

i'm not a baby anymore, time to grow up.
my emotion denies my practicality
& my emotion is my weakness and my corruption,
i need to fight through my flaw to reach my victory
before all my flaws add up and inevitably destroy me.

in order to be happy, i have to choose to be happy
& i have to refuse to be sad, to refuse to allow myself to be sad-
mourning time is over, life goes on as always...

it's like starcraft, i have to build my marines/marauders and rush to kill
the zerg before there are too many and they overwhelm me. lol.

為什麼你還是不言不語　難道你不懂我的心?

2011-05-24T05:39:00.005+08:00

random pictures haha, i think blogging is really a lot
easier if i do it on a day to day basis or at least every
other day. if not there's way too much that goes unmentioned,
semi-important details that i may forget. tsk.

sometimes the thoughts in my head overload it.
TOO MUCH THINKING. ah well, a picture is worth a thousand words right?

was at northpoint to meet sijing for dinner last week (: going again later
to meet dhanya, yay :D

pretty pink sky- proof that we are all going to die from fucked up weather/global warming

taken during magic hour (: 7am after that crazy dbl o day of clubbing then
going for starbucks and prata house and lan with the bfffb (:

my mj kakis (: taken on cliff's actual birthday at tony romas.
packston & of course, the b'day boy were there too. WE WILL
ALWAYS REMEMBER COOKIES ^^

18 years old, not safe for work already. last time underage, still safe. lol.

more pictures from shangri la- yes i am disorganized & anyhow blog but guess what?
I CAN DO WHATEVER I LIKEEEEEE, haha :x

baktee's doc martens (:

my dog is adorable luh (: though he is old & sometimes smelly,
he's a sweet old dog! ^^

many weird things to think about now, so much stuff to handle
that i don't know what to do first. just thinking about all of it
makes me feel quite sian.

actually, fuck care everything. i just wanna dance/spend time with loved ones.
like that also so hard?! hahaha ZOUK/BUTTER/REBEL FOR ME THIS WEEKEND?
BUT NO $$$$ HOW LIKE THAT? HMM HMM HMM... shall go figure it out now ^^

with love,

i finally found you, my missing puzzle piece

2011-05-23T13:00:00.003+08:00

everything's happening so fast & passing by so fast it all seems
like a blur. i'm so afraid that i'll forget. but somehow, end up too
lazy to blog/tweet regularly. hahaa. i remember it being a good week (:

meeting sharon, jane, debra, chan & sam. & the weekend was epic-
more on that later. dinner at shangri la with baktee was great though (:
here's a few pics (:

seriously i think i have attention deficit disorder, i can't
seem to concentrate on one thing for very long. or maybe
i'm just not used to studying/writing already. been slacking
too much, oh no! ):

or it could be that all the alcohol is killing my brain cells.
rebel vip on friday night after mahjong, phuture vip on saturday night after mahjong
CRAZY I AM GOING CRAZY, HAHAA. but had an awesome time (:

made some new friends also at phuture (:
nice people. haha okay, i really cannot concentrate already!
i want to go play sc2! blog more later bye (:

南瓜

2011-05-18T16:38:00.003+08:00

其实我是真的很爱你，可是你不想我们两个在一起. 所以我只能继续前进
喜欢上别人而祝你永远的幸福，一直在您旁边做你最要好的朋友

you're such a special and wonderful person,
you deserve, more than anything, to be happy
& for all the times you've stood by me,
i wish i could do so much more for you.

i meant everything i've ever said to you (:

no matter what else i say,
suffice to say that i am sincere in all i have said & done.
it doesn't matter in what it is, how it is or why it is-
all that matters is, it is.

i find it so difficult to imagine, after everything each of us has been through,
so much separately- but somehow i still find so much strength in you.
pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me (:

you're my angel.

2011-05-18T05:01:00.003+08:00

happy everyday (: & that's the way it should be.

booked my tp test for 16th june and i can't wait!
much exciting-ness is happening around me (:
now i just need to stop being lazy & fucking work, hahah

so many things make me so happy,
i'm eternally grateful. thank you God for this kismet,
i hope it lasts longer and longer.

i just want to stay with you in this moment forever, forever & ever
i don't wanna close my eyes
i don't wanna fall asleep cause i miss you baby
& i don't wanna miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you,
the sweetest dream will never do- i still miss you babe
& i don't wanna miss a thing
♥

many things to look forward to,
life is so beautiful. it will never be more beautiful than
now, when i'm alive. no where will ever be more amazing than here,
when you're with me. every wrong turn i ever made, ever mistake-
everything i've ever done has led me up to here, with you.

i can't regret anything,
i love this point. i need to thank every mistake i ever made
for leading me to you (:

day late friend.

2011-05-16T06:08:00.004+08:00

skf, actually when i think about it, it really disappoints me to see you this way.
i had thought that i'd shared with you at least a bit, at least you'd understand
things & be better. to see how far you had come, i genuinely felt happy for you,
seeing you be responsible again, in a stable relationship & etc.

though at that point, you still had improvements to make & stuff,
but it was really like you managed to climb out of hell. however,
at this point you're back in & probably worse than ever. deeper in it,
than ever.

you've lost the battle. because you no longer wish to fight.
you've given up on you, your real self. for this while you're servicing
the fucked up part of you that causes all these problems in the first place.

isn't that what caused this? isn't that what brought you here?
why are you sitting in hell feeling corrupted & sorry for yourself when
you know there is something better out there? even if you feel you lost
your reason to fight, this is not how to get it back.

you may feel pain, but everyone has had their own pain to deal with.
not all men are made equal, some of us are strong, some are weak.
but at the same time- strength and weakness is a choice. choose.

i really wish me caring or my effort could be enough to motivate you.
you don't hurt me, your actions hurt me. your actions to hurt yourself hurt me.
cause i don't wanna see you fuck yourself up. it's possible that occasionally
you don't care about what happens to you, you just want to escape-
escape is temporary.

the damage you will do to yourself on the path you are currently
on is something you will sustain for quite sometime if you continue this way.
seriously, fuck your idea! this is not what i want for you, i don't believe this
is what you want for yourself either. you're seriously made for greater stuff,
think about it- how lucky you are, many times you met hell but climbed back
out, external factors saved you.

you know how strong you really are, each one has his/her own burden to carry right?
perhaps you are just cursed as much as you are gifted, so you can choose-
when you're down, just stop being down, get up & be awesome instead. true story.

you're 21 years old already. when you were 5 or 6 years old,
was this how you envisioned your life now? are you on the path you thought you would be on?
what did you want for yourself then?

life is all about choices. your choices define who you are, you choose who you are.
i will always fucking help you, no matter what. but you need to choose to help
yourself too, it gets better it gets better, i swear it fucking gets better but you need
to give yourself time and stop running into the fire so you can let yourself heal and
be better. please love yourself more and treat yourself better, cause you do deserve better.

you're in hell, why are you putting yourself through hell? why?
when have i ever guided you wrongly? why can't you just fucking
believe me when i tell you you can save yourself, you're something worth
saving so stop choosing to do silly things.

pick yourself up, dust yourself off, i know you can.
it's just whether you choose to or not,
please stop wasting yourself.

if i know you choose to be a waste, and wasting all yourself makes
you happy- supremely happy, i'd let you be, cos it's your life, you do what you want.
but fuck, how can i see you so miserable and see all of it?

you did what you could in your previous relationship.
now you no longer have control over your situation,
what you've always had control over is instead yourself.

you're not that stupid, you know what to do-
you know what you should do.
i believe in you, & i'm always here.

don't say thank you, i don't need any words or etc from you-
i just wish for a realization or some inspiration to a course of action from you.
things won't just get better or become awesome overnight, but every small step
counts. don't stop fighting for yourself, i know you can do it.

you take the easy way out each time, cause yourself all the demons you have now.
and you are feeding them with all you do, it seems so hard to stop but your
solution is just that simple: stop.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else.
I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be."
- Ken Venturi

i don't believe i am blind. occasionally i am foolish, but i'm not blind.
i see something in you worth saving, something that can be saved.

put out the fire yourself, and all the assistance you need will
surely come to back you up. just find the strength within yourself.
sincerely, i want so badly for you to be happy & this is just not the way,
please assist me with my goal, and gather your strength to find your way back again.

you can everything you ever thought you could be and so much more (:
go do it now & clean yourself up please, seriously.

i just want better for you.

quite amazing huh, i actually managed to dig out this jurassic video.
it's been 4 years! and it's really not about the things you say or
how you look, though now you (think) you're very goodlooking/got a lot
of friends/girls etc, all good for you (: but honestly even when you're
like some crazy beng like last time who talked and acted retardedly,
you're still someone fucking important to me.

and honestly i prefer that guy leh :x seemed much less
pretentious and more honest etc. HAHAHA. but that's
besides the point, the point is- remember i'm always here (:

i was there when you were an ah beng, and am still
here when you are condemned/corrupted etc. so jia you!
don't give up on yourself hor! REMEMBER!!! (i feel so gay now lol)
♥

just can't get enough.

2011-05-15T22:10:00.008+08:00

every other day has involved alcohol + lan. hahaa fucking crazy, but crazy awesome.
love it (: pizza hut with kie, baktee & dhanya yesterday to surprise dhanya for a
belated celebration lol.

from pizza hut to dbl o, where we met her friends. sam, nick tham, mervin & some of
their friends came too (: was a fun night (: happy! but i was fucking seh/high/tipsy.
all sam's fault! kept making me drink. what a bad pumpkin, tsk. hahaha.

went with bfffb to starbucks after that, at 4 smth in the morning to play chess -.-
we are so bo liao, i know lol. but anyway, we headed to prata house for supper
after that (: then downtime for l4d2/cs! fucking fun! but by 7:40am we were madly
hungover and tired, trying to get a cab in the bright sunlight lol.

de ja vu from last weekend, trying to get a cab after clifton's b'day- shenton way to
chinatown pub to tanjhong pagar's tantric & a normal pub, then off to cyber dome for lan.
LOL. awesome right? except till the sun comes out and they're no effing cabs. fuck. lol.

had "war" also on tuesday, 16 people cs. damn shiok.
i think my cs is improving and this makes me happy (:
i managed to kill nick in a 1 v 1 and everybody clapped after that la!
wow leh ^^ HAHAHA. but it's a rare thing, i'm not very pro after all.
maybe just average? lol.

still, lan is damn fun. i'm becoming a gamer omg.
but i need a job! this is not a good way to get one. tsktsk.
ohwell, i'm gonna definitely abstain from drinking for awhile.
so fucked up from drinking yesterday. crazy hangover lol.

so many birthdays this month luh aiyo! hahaha
anyway here's some pictures (:
my mac is crazy so i'm a lil lazy to blog properly.
fucked up com!!! *annoyed* lol

bfffb is the best bfffb ever :D

some of the things that made nick tham puke :p hahaa

guess why he's so happy? of course it's cos of the ALCOHOL la!
hahah psycho boy make everybody drink so much. tsktsk (:

my favourite wise speaking people ^^

at pizza hut before dbl o (:

kay pictures anyhow ordered, i don't care! :p

pictures from cliff's bday. in the above picture are all the "nice" people
whom conspired to throw egg and flour on him lol :x we are awesome friends ^^

the view from one shenton way is awesomeeee!

happy birthday clifton (:
and dhanya and han xin & everyone else whose birthday it is this month!
love ya'll long time :D

i'm always strong when you're beside me.

2011-05-14T16:15:00.004+08:00

seriously, i don't give a fuck that it's saturday.
everyday is friday to me! HAHAHA (: yesterday was awesome sauce.
off to driving, ran into chino there a few times in the area
so we hung out for a bit, then booked my tp test for 16th june!
madly happy OMG~ can't wait ((:

off to meet sijing at northpoint after that,
had dinner with her & went home for my mj, mad love!
mj-ed, then off to zouk to meet up with han xin & his friends,
wonderful sam accompanied me there. drank a bit then home for
2 tables of mj! SHIOK MAX ahhaa :D

such happy days. after everyone went home cos all damn shagged,
i still happily played starcraft 2 and owned some guy. yay for me!
happiest kid alive. though woke up this morning with mega hangover
but it's alright (: feeling so lazy to go out and party again later
though. i just wanna play my sc2 ): HAHHAA

seriously am insanely happy kid. damn grateful.
thankyou God & friends & family for being wonderful.
love you all so much (:

NOW NEED TO FIND SOME DAMN WORK TO PAY FOR MY BABY!

or

?

HOW Z3 OR MX5? how how how hahaha!

you are perfect to me.

2011-05-14T06:29:00.002+08:00

love is when you see an imperfect person perfectly,
loving them despite their faults.
i know you're not perfect, some actions of yours can
be quite fucked up, but somehow- i can't seem to hold
that against you.

does that mean i love you? i suppose. i don't know in
what way i do though, as a friend, a brother, a lover?
it's really rather unclear to me.

all i know is, ironically, i do.
though i have feelings- special feelings for someone special,
but i realize that i do love/care about you too.

love seems too strong a word to use so casually.
can it be accurate to say i love so many people?
but i do.

not in a, "i wanna have your kids + be with you forever" kind of way,
but in a "you are who you are, and no matter how fucked up you are,
i'll still be there to love you/support you/care for you" kind of way.

actually, i think that's quite cool. it's awesome
to have friends or stuff feel that way. it's only when
it approaches ambiguous love that things get confusing.

i know i love you, in what way? no idea though.
& it wouldn't matter, cause love is love- it only matters
when your feelings come into play, cause i don't wanna hurt you/make you sad,
ever. i love you too fucking much to want to watch you be sad at all.

i can't.
i can't let you be sad and not do anything about it.
i don't have it within me to see you suffer
& i can't. i don't want to.
i will not let you, suffer.
you're not alone love.

& to all my friends, i really do fucking love you guys.
that's bigger and more important than anything else.
i'll do almost anything for you, thanks for being the awesome
people you are. please don't cry, cause i just want all of ya'll
to be soso happy, please (:

it took the greenest eyes to make me see the beauty again.

2011-05-02T04:28:00.003+08:00

just got home awhile ago.
had a supremely awesome day today (:
mahjong with aly, nick & cliff then jalan kayu with them
and 4 of us met up with lau, tim, tedmond & dao ming for
l4d2. damn shiok! hahah fucking imba 4 v 4 versus (:

russell & a few more guys came over after that, 11 guys +
me & aly, they wanted to go prawning but nick wanted to
head home so a few of us headed off.

fun to hang out with them though (: nice guys.
hahaa all the nonsense pattern like 3 cars driving off
and stranding three guys behind. damn bastard but fucking funny lol

happy to hang out with them, cheers me up &
so much nonsense occupies my brain. it's nice luh,
though sometimes i'm socially awkward, but at least being
with them is funny & happy one (:

i am the happy kid :D
been going out & meeting important people often.
life is good. much to look forward to!
cliff's b'day coming up, and hopefully i'll get to go cruise soon
and melbourne and england.

oh my goshhh (learn from usher one)
tomorrow i'm mjing with azar, shaun lim & marcus (:
exciting day hehe. exciting week ahead! so much to do!
i just hope i'll stop being lazy and get around to doing my power
point presentation too. hehe (:

random camwhoring after photo taking with dan & baktee that day (:

& this was when i went shopping with xinyi (:
hope to meet her again soon! (: hehe.

okay i think one of these days i need to blog a proper
"what i did today" entry instead of just musings/overdue pictures.
soon okay soon (:
happy kid going off to dreamland now though. good night!

don't look back in anger.

2011-04-28T03:20:00.003+08:00

veryvery hurtful to see my gfs sad. feel sad for them too at moments like that.
i just don't know actually, i think i'm quite messy. like in general i am happy,
but seeing my gfs sad makes me sad, & some news that i received from my father
makes me all kinds of scared/sad too.

i'm not too sure what to do, or how to deal. i think i'm older now, no longer
a teen- so i should do something mature. but in some ways i quite hate myself
for being so useless, for not being stronger somehow and not doing better.
i don't think i've been a good enough daughter, i think i should do better.
but i don't know where to start, honestly.

here i am, having been so selfish & being sad & crying over someone
who caused me so much misery, when my parents love me so much.
it's really something evil, to take the people who love you for granted.
& i realize that, i feel like a fucking selfish bitch.

i don't really know what i can do, but i'll try harder.
starting next week, i'll get a job and stop taking pocket money from my parents.
i'll make an effort to spend more time with them, and i'll try to be as nice as possible.
i'll try my best to hide my smoking from them better (make them think i quit lol)
so they can worry less and etc.

this is all gonna be really hard, but i want to try my best.
i'll try not to allow myself to be sad & if i have sadness, i will
hide it inside or cry to bfffb or my other awesome friends,
i won't allow my parents to see me sad and worry for me, i want
them to be able to rest & relax and not feel so stressed.

seriously i need to wake up my fucking idea.
yes, i do wish that i would have a special someone to depend
on now, that would be nice, but however, i feel good to not depend
on a guy as well, like for money and all the rest. i will stand on my own
two feet & that will make my achievement greater.

anyway, as i've learnt- being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean
great support. i don't know why this baggage is still coming back to haunt
me occasionally. bfffb says maybe i'm not so over it. maybe, maybe i'm just
convincing myself otherwise.

honestly i don't fucking know, i think all i do know is i wanna cry and just
pour out all my feelings etc about that into a box and throw that box away.
that's probably the best thing i can do. i know, my mind or some part of me is
not used to the interruption in the "routine" that i grew used to, but i need to
be able to set myself back into normalcy, set myself free.

fuck it, i just need to remember, i fought-
i fought like hell and i gave it my fucking all.
i let myself be degraded like some fuckup & in the end
none of it mattered- cause it takes two hands to clap &
when i meet the air, i end up banging into the wall instead.

he chose to give up
he chose to treat me like crap
he chose
to do all the things he did.

& that shows how little i meant.
seriously though i am not pretty, i start to realize & appreciate myself
more through all this. so what if i'm not pretty? who else will do all the
things i did & give up all i gave? i feel disappointed in my few months ago self
as well, i feel like slapping myself for letting myself be treated that way-

for allowing such things to happen for myself.
it's like- it's my own fault for having such scars,
cos i didn't love myself enough to fucking stop it from happening.
i am angry with myself, disappointed with myself, for not having protected myself.

at the same time, i really can say i should be fucking proud of myself,
cos i tried so hard and i did my best, i gave everything i could.
every fucking thing, until i barely have anything left now-

until i'm left, hurt so fucking deeply- feeling like an idiot for
doing so much and hurting myself for someone who didn't
treat me right at all, took me & my family for granted.

please, if you're reading this, whoever you are-
please learn from my mistake & don't ever accept less than you're worth.
yes, give 100% and act with integrity in your life/relationships,
but don't let someone treat you like crap, cause you will hate yourself
& feel so fucking angry with yourself after that.

i finally realized what it is about the relationship that i couldn't get over,
my actions for letting myself be that way, seriously i regret not loving myself more,
why the fuck did i grow up with this twisted mindset, such low self esteem that i hated
myself so much? yes, it might have been a quixotic idea, but it's fucking retarded one.

it's no way to function in the real world. sounds so romantic to die for love or whatever,
but fuck that, seriously before you love someone, just love yourself first & learn!
don't tear apart your whole universe for a significant other, it's seriously not worth it.
such romance is only meant for hollywood films and fiction. in real life, that's not the
life worth living.

i really hope now,
that i can forgive myself
cause i realized that the problem
is me.

dear self, i'm sorry for letting you down & disappointing you.
i'm never going to do it again. or i'll try not to.
i hope you can forgive me.

love is only a feeling, anyway.

2011-04-26T22:39:00.005+08:00

i wish things could just work out.
i mean like, in real life-
i wish things could just work out.

understand? lol.
it's not that i wish my former or most recent relationship could
have worked out, ie, between the two people, me & n,
instead- i wish that the relationship worked out, not the two of us.

meaning, yes- i miss the relationship in a way,
but no, i don't miss the person i was in a relationship with.

if i were deeply in love with someone, then yes, i'd miss them.
i'd miss so much of them, i'd want to hear their voice/see them,
despite all the pain they caused me- (i have firsthand experience with this thanks to r)

but it's not like that this time.
in fact, i don't know that it's like.

i guess it takes a lot of getting used to, though the duration of the relationship
was barely 10 months, but the time we spent together during those 10 months
would probably equate to the amount of time other people in a typical relationship
spend together in a year.

more than a year of having him in my life really.
yes, comparing then and now- i am still certain i am happier now,
to have the fucking freedom to do whatever i want, to not be struggling
and broke- can go shopping anytime i want to (: not so many financial worries
or other kinds of worries etc.

i was watching a video on youtube, & it pretty much said that
after awhile, you become used to the person's presence, & after a
break up, everything seems so abnormal that you'd do almost anything
to get things back to normal & all. even if "normal" is miserable for you.

was feeling a bit upset and nostalgic over the last few days,
but memories of our last few days together before i wanted to break up,
i recall a particular event- in class where i was so upset with him,
and he just ignored me. i was on the verge of tears, and he fucking just ignored me.

honestly i don't even really remember what the fight was about,
but i remember being fucking unhappy, i remember many other instances
of being unhappy and other fights. i remember wanting to breakup & him begging
for another chance, and everytime he begged, i gave him those chances-

but when it came down to it, he never or couldn't even be bothered
to do the same for me, he "tried" for one week, less than a week &
gave up, just like that. like a petulant child who was "didn't feel like trying" anymore.

so many unworkable issues, so much baggage. so much resentment, on my part.
& i thought yesterday. i spent a lot of time thinking.
barely sleeping; just thinking; pondering; meditating, if you will.

the epiphany that i reached was the same one that i knew
& that people had been telling me all along-
it's not worth it.

the difference was, that this time, it wasn't just a thought.
it was a feeling- an emotion, i felt it, in my heart, the 'it's not worth it'.
and it was really quite fucking awesome.

i know i'm not over it, of course i'm not over all that has happened,
i never claimed to be. the only thing i am quite possibly over, is him.
but the relationship itself? noooooo. way too many thoughts & feelings
to forget so quickly.

& that's the reason why i'm presently not in a relationship.
nor am i wanting one. am enjoying my freedom & the sweetness,
taking my time to heal and all (: i've always believed, wanna do important things,
then do them properly, with your whole heart & soul.

anyway, i also did promise someone that i wouldn't get into another
relationship so soon. not only that, even if i hadn't made that promise-
i wouldn't disrespect myself & my former relationship in such a way.

though perhaps, it was one of the most painful or torturous relationship's
i've ever been thorough, i won't trivialize it or minimize it by doing that.
my ex can do all the condemned things he wants, i'm not too sure how he's
doing now... but i know, for and to myself, that i will be true to myself.

just as i was during the relationship, i did things properly &
held myself to what i felt was a great moral standard.
besides, i believe in karma & i've seen it work.
haha i'm a free agent now & after the month of may, it's open season boys! (;

hahaha. kidding luh, feelings are feelings and i enjoy them,
no rush though. life is pretty damn awesome now, enjoying my present
fee-ling (: hehee. 2011's been good to me, though i may have lost a former paramour,
i gained back my bfffb & there's much more of the former in store for me.

i'd gladly trade away said former paramour for bfffb anyday (:

life is pretty damn good, the possibilities are endless.
this feeling though, the it's-not-worth-it feeling, gives me even more hope-
because i know, once these burns heal, there'll be no stopping me.
i'll be able to take of the bandages & bindings, i won't be the girl with the broken smile anymore-

i'll just be the girl with the smile (:
here's for hope, life doesn't end here, & for any other person reading this,
feeling emo, remember- as long as you know you have done your best &
everything you've been supposed to do, then no one else can fucking fault you.
everyone knows to themselves ultimately, the integrity of their own actions.

don't be a person without integrity, i'll just advise you on that,
cause in the end you'll only be harming yourself.
continue to look forward, moving forward, even after the breakup,
the sun still rose for me the next day & the world still kept turning.
& they will still continue to rise & turn, no matter what else happens ♥

OMG

2011-04-24T05:12:00.010+08:00

i've been really meaning to get back into blogging,
but i think i just can't seem to steadily keep up the habit. lol.
my mood's still been pretty fucked up recently, it's like i made
some improvements then i regressed again.

but i guess it's like that, the 7 stages of grief, going back &
forth after the breakup. oh well, at least the pain is proof right?
that it was real, that it was something substantial, to me at least.

anyway, life is mostly really good & fun, so i shouldn't fucking complain so much. lol.
i think blogging would be good for me anyway, helps me to remember stuff, lets me
express my emotions and stop flooding all my friend's twitter pages.

seriously, i'm fucking irritating on twitter i think, if i followed myself,
i would probably slap myself and ask myself to wake up my idea.
the bad thing about emotions is, i guess, most of the time it's
hard for us to gain control of them.

of course, i know i can, i know brain will always > heart,
but on bad days... where lots of crap piles up, small issues always
seem to blow up into huge issues. i am happy with my life though,
many changes have been made in the past months, people have been
walking in & out, and mostly out-

but i realize something, though i used to be so fucking insecure,
and in a way- i still am super neurotic & insecure, at least now,
i'm a bit better and i won't stick with people who treat me badly & etc.

i'd like to think that i've grown up better to be able to get past all that
stuff now (: i know, seems like every entry i'm always going on & on about
nonsense. sorry- hahaha perhaps there's just too much to say? okay, let's just
say i've learned things and there's positive improvement in my life (: leave it at that.

anyway, have you caught "rio" yet?

it's pretty damn awesome. not a promo, i swear! lol.
initially, i was skeptical and thought it'd just be some boring/average cartoon.
however, it was surprisingly heartwarming and moving. perhaps i'm just sentimental
these days. lol. but i've watched it twice so far! :D

forced sam to watch it with me on wednesday though he was reluctant
(he wanted to watch lincoln lawyer or etc, anything but cartoons, he said)
in the end he enjoyed it though :) which is damn good la, everyone could use
some rio. we're all far too jaded/cynical these days.

how can like that? fuck, we should just mostly be "the glass is half full" people.
the world is already so damn sad, if everyone looks at it through sad eyes,
then everything is just fucking depressing and we can go & die. lol.

we went to airport after that, he accompanied me while i attempted to complete
my 5000 word essay (it's fucking sadist, i swear.) no wonder novelists feel so much
achievement when they finish a novel. i think i'm not cut out to write one though-
i have the ideas but i lack the patience and commitment.

here's some recent pictures (:

sam went to cut his hair, and on the same day his enlistment letter came. LOL.
damn suay. really gonna miss him & my other friends when they leave to serve
the nation ):

i think itouch/iphone's camera effects are so awesome la,
the camera is probably 80% of the reason why i bought it lol (:
i spend money on apps like crazy though ): no good at all, must make
more $ so i can spend it! will be starting photography business with baktee
soon though (: the fubar fairy! stay tuned for more okay (;

speaking of baktee, i played l4d2 with him & danial on friday.
it was a veryvery good day :D actually friday is always good,
cue "friday friday gotta get down on friday!" (rebecca black)
it's a fucking irritating song but i enjoy it, in some sick way hahaha.
had breakfast with them after l4d2/cs and all. am so glad to see
dan after so long of not seeing him (:

met with xinyi on tuesday also (: more pics to update later, but
here's our starbucks orders- i know it seems quite wu liao to post
pictures of cups, but i think the effect like quite nice leh, cannot take it lol.
i woke up this morning craving for starbucks like crazy, but settled for making
my own iced lipton milk tea instead haha!

that's a caramel machiato far above(cause i'm still coughing like i'm on my death bed or something) and xinyi's was a chocolate chip cream frappe if i'm not mistaken. lol. don't really remember already, but i remember she's coughing too but doesn't care about coughing more! get well soon babe (: i miss my gfs, feel like i should really meet them more (: bros very important to me, bros over hoes but my close gfs aren't hoes at all! they're all amazingly beautiful/sweet/not bitchy or mean to me etc. those are my gfs la, and i have friends who are girls who kind of suck and i realize they're fake so i don't really meet them :x must distinguish between the two lol.

two random pics from home cause i was bored. lol. and i love my chanel earrings/fake eyelashes. really need to get my lazy ass down to the gym (: hopefully can lose more weight! okay i'll go exercise at least twice or thrice next week, i swear. must keep motivated (:

anyway, it's like 6am now so i think i should really go to sleep soon.
my body clock is so condemned/fucked up, it's quite amazing. i really feel vampiric.
played mahjong just now and won $12. lol. mahjong always fucking brightens my day,
it's love to the max. fucking funny also. lau + nick = comical, always. so time to go
dream of mahjong tiles & winning! lol. good morning everyone else, goodnight to me.

2011-04-21T22:16:00.002+08:00

actually, the truth is that i'm just very badly terribly damaged &
i'm barely keeping it together. doing my best to try to keep calm &
carry on but i've never been very good at keeping a poker face.

i cannot fall apart & i cannot have the luxury of falling apart.
i'm alive, i'm still living and i'm still breathing,
but i wish this stain on my soul could be washed away.

i know i can be saved though, i know i am all & so much more than this.
i will be strong and i will not let a mistake change my life, discount everything
i have worked so hard for just because of that one fucking mistake.

it's not worth it all. i deserve something so much better,
and unlike previous times, with fb, where i settled for less &
insisted whatever meagre things i could get were enough,
this time i know better, i want better,
and i want something so much more for myself.

cause i know i'm awesome (:
& i'm gonna make someone really happy,
maybe tco's that lucky one, we never know (;

2011-04-21T22:06:00.001+08:00

you shouldn't ask me what i'm thinking, cause it'll never be anything good.
things still remind me of you, memories still torture me when they manage
to creep in behind the wall i've built to protect myself... threatening everything else i care about.

i feel like a disgrace, that i've been made up to a joke.
all my good intentions & all the sincerity & effort i put in...
it all amounts to nothing in the end.

& it hurts that it still hurts. cause i believe it shouldn't,
i did my best and you gave nothing back.
i feel you shouldn't have the right to hurt me anymore.

i don't think it's fucking worth it at all.
what the fuck are you? nothing, but a painful memory.

painful phantom.
visible, regretful scar, proof of my past foolishness.

2011-04-14T18:21:00.004+08:00

okay i shall blog a proper entry since i feel my last few entries have been so unsubstantial and short because i've been so damn busy. anyway i'm quite free now because i'm too broke to go out, and too lazy to be doing my supposed graduation project (alternative excuse: i'm still waiting for approval from my lecturer) lol. i should really head to the gym but, *points at first excuse* yesterday had mood & money to, but no time. today i've time but no money. so it seems that time doesn't equal money, people need both to function happily hahaa.

anyway, thoughtsthoughtsthoughs- hmm. i feel i've become happier with myself recently? though i sometimes think i am a really angsty person/angry person etc, but i feel at least i'm happy that i'm no longer taking all sorts of rubbish from people and having to feel like i'm some staircase etc. enough is enough already, i cannot and will not take much more of these things. so, maybe i am not as nice as i was before, but if it means that i am happier with myself and happier in general, then is it necessarily a bad thing?

yes, maybe from a gandhi/passive/catholic point of view, i should offer the left cheek if someone slaps me on the right. maybe religion is just too stringent for me. obviously the ideas of religion are that it should be something uncompromising, but i am someone with my own ideas, thoughts & values. yes i believe in God, but i believe in many other things too. who is to say they are certain of exactly what God wants? sure, i don't pray often enough and i don't go to church (i believe my mother thinks i'm headed straight to hell), yet- let's not mention me, i'm sure anyone, as long as they are a good person, deserves to go to heaven.

why not? it seems simply so unjust to ignore someone whether or not they choose to believe in God. maybe i was wrong earlier, religion is too stringent, yet also too subjective. and i am far too stringent in my own views and beliefs because i simply refuse to believe that some people will be denied entry to heaven just because they are free thinkers or of a different religion. it's really nonsense to me. thus in the same way, i feel that not every catholic or religious value can be applied to our lives as people.

yes, if you can do all those self-sacrificial things, i take my hat off to you, you're a marvelous person. however, life is so short- should you not try to make the best of it? forgive me if i'm weak, but some people just make it so hard to help them or be nice to them. not because of my lack of sincerity or lack of trying, but because of their apathy for all of the above.

it's quite simple to live my life now though. i do what my conscience feels is right, i am as sincere , nice and helpful as i can possibly be, and if i am met with contempt or contemptible actions, then i'll simply cut that person out of my life. baktee tells me all too often to be "wary" of other humans. i think a lesson i've learned is that, yes, people are beautiful- inside so much more than outside. however, anyone is subject to entropy- inside and outside.

there are people who are damaged, i know i am. i'm sometimes so fucked up that i question, how the fuck do i manage to function or how there can be people who tolerate me and my nonsense. however, i know my conscience is clear, i know i do try. i'm naggy and irritating and lots of bad stuff, but i'll always do my best for people i care about or for the people around me, if for no other reason, then because i care or because it's simply the right thing to do.

perhaps it's right to be wary, then again, it's also the best to give people chances and then be wary. hahaha. baktee always says i question myself far too much and am too uncertain. hey, i don't want to preach but i do want to muse and know that i have the right idea. 20 years old but still growing up, i've always hoped to hear at least approval or something that i'm on the right track, but i do know it's something i have to find for myself and not something that someone has to tell me, "yes, this is right" and "no, this is wrong."

a very perceptive ex-colleague of mine once observed that, i'm someone whom often gets told what to do by people. in a way, i guess i occasionally do seek validation. at the same time though, i think i need to trust myself more to be more discerning and to make the right decisions, i cannot let my petty insecurities eat me alive.

at 20 years old, i've learned that there's all kinds of people in the world; that i'm kind of a mean bitch but it's not so bad, that i need to trust myself more and i hope i can learn to make better decisions while at the same time being a good person. deep thoughts from the corners of my sometimes unwise mind lol. i feel this entry looks really boring without pictures though, so here you go! random pictures, more from my b'day and some other stuff i've been up to (:

the LSKs! hahaha

some of my favourite people (: clown, hammy, dhanya (the duck), bakteee! oh and edmund. HAHAHA NOT THAT EDMUND IS NOT A NICE GUY, BUT THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME MEETING HIM WAH LAO. and jeremy lowlowlowlowlow (to the tune of "low" by flo-rida. lol)

one day when i was bored at home and didn't wanna waste the eye make up. i think it was probably after school or something lol.

went on cruise with the mahjong kakis + russell & wayne (: really fun, like burning away $875 in the casino worth of crazy fun. HAHA FUCKED UP. i swear from now onwards i will control my damn self when it comes to gambling. no more of all this rubbish okay!

obligatory photo of a pretty view from cruise (: everyone has had to take one (:

went to phuture with sam, nick tham, shawn the cao mei & his friend (who's name i forgot lol. some chinese name) that day. we were having 151 outside phuture because we're cheap/crazy like that :x burned my throat like mad. i'm still paying for all the evil things i have done to my throat now.

went for freddy & jiamin's wedding with sam (: so fucking happy for them! i hope it'll be my turn soon in like 5 or 6 years haha (: on an unrelated note, i know i look fucking retarded/boyish in this pic lol.

oh happy days (: life goes by really quickly, i can't believe in a year so much has changed. i can't say for sure if it's good change or bad change, but i accept my life as it is, some things change for the better, some for the worse. i will say though, that i am happier now, doing my own stuff and my own things, having my own freedom and getting to make my own mistakes. it's no fun being the "adult" and taking on all the responsibilities for two people all the time ):

now there's just one bad habit i think i should somehow or rather kick but i can't seem to... hmm :P

2011-04-01T01:37:00.002+08:00

"if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." - sucker punch

for such a bimbo show, it's really a damn true statement. and i am so fucking sick and tired, exhausted of always falling or having to take the same bullshit from the same people. please... you would think that people are decent, inherently good, that not everyone is a villain especially since no one really considers themselves to be one. but you'd be surprised at their malice of their actions.

i am sooooo tired of being nice to people and having it blow up in my face, facing all their nonsense. i say this time & time again, i don't expect any thanks in return, but at least i'd like to know i'm not getting slapped for my goodwill. so yeah, i guess by now, it's time i learn to stand for something, i'm not gonna be that girl who falls for anything.

not anymore.

2011-03-30T06:29:00.001+08:00

True love is not temporary, Aries - whether it's the romantic kind or the platonic kind. That's why you needn't be sad or regretful if someone falls out of love with you in the near future. If a romance or friendship ends in the coming weeks, then it wasn't really everything that you thought it was, and therefore was not the loss you may feel. It is hard to see things change in our lives, especially when those things are relationships that have grown comfortable... even when they weren't very good for us. If something ends in the next few weeks, rejoice - because something much better will take its place.

2011-03-28T20:07:00.003+08:00

another year older, hopefully another year wiser (:
this month has been pretty good. although there's been
initial drama here & there, i've been a happy kid.

mad love my friends cause they've been so awesome to me.
so many exciting programs in store! my birthday was happy
& drama free (: what more could i ask for? my awesome gorgeous
friends were there & made it better too!

this week i'm looking forward to meeting up with other
friends and then going for cruise with cliff, nick, ponacho & russell (:
then 22nd to 27th april bkk with winston & his friends! so damn shiok!

2011-03-13T00:17:00.003+08:00

i feel like i am just a fucking joke to you all.
i don't matter and what the fuck do you take me for,

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤.

yeah, you can never fail to disappoint me.
fuck yeah \m/

2011-03-08T16:01:00.001+08:00

feeling all cleansed, detoxed & happy (:
it's like the sweet chaser to the after effects,
& somehow or rather, the chemical reactions seem much more
spiritual and religious than anything.

i now feel pure. i feel better.
it's like i went to heaven last night,
now i'm back. but it's okay, as long as i can keep getting that close.
that's enough till next time.

i'm happy that i lost weight (:
2kg since last night! lol. going for a swim now, hope to lose more!
:D

2011-03-06T11:25:00.008+08:00

4 random pictures, because i can (: 3 from my photography session with baktee,
and one with val from the day after i stayed over. hey! she and nangiel still owe me
pictures from that (: hahaha. much more pics at the bottom of the entry. you may get
sick of my face :p

i've been sucha happy kid the past weeks (:
spending time with my lovely friends!

remember how i said i wanted to go to sunset grill for wings?
went there with jasmine on monday (: wah it's really quite crazy
hot. in order to eat one level 10 wing, i have to down like a whole
can of ice lemon tea + ice. our stomachs were burning after that.

people who can eat level 30 and say "no kick" must be totally mad!
we went for l4d2 after that (: have missed doing all those stuff i
like so much. i feel as if when i was in a r/s, i was so caught up
and going through a shopping/stay at home/eateateat phase, now i'm back
to my usual l4d2/pool/movie/smokesmokesmoke happy self (:

tuesday i fulfilled my oyster craving with fion at vivo (:
had dinner at shin kushiya. the view was breathtaking & the
food was sooo awesome. i think i'mma start putting back on the
weight i lost already lor -.- nonono, not good. must exercise!!

wednesday i met jane & sam for shisha. first time i shisha-ed until
so seh please! i felt as if my whole head was gonna float off my body.
never felt like that before, but my friends said that's what happens
when you smoke it on an empty stomach. lol, was quite fun but after a
while i felt damn sick. was happy to talk to them and spend time with
them though (: hehee.

thursday, had dinner at nex with danial. not the place that
i wanted to try, but nvm. it was a good and super worth it dinner (:
managed to study a lil bit, lucky danial was there to accompany me :D

friday was exam day! but after the exam- happy outing with
dhanya, kie, danial and baktee (: we played l4d2 versus! damn fun/epic,
i swear. we totally need to play again soon. lol. val came to meet us
after that, and we walked around town & did nonsense things.

val & dan left around 5+, baktee, dhanya, kie & i went for more shopping!
hahaha. and then they waited with me till skf came to meet me. went to
shop more with him, met up with jeremy low (who i haven't seen in so damn long!)
and one of his friends for awhile, parted ways to shop more and walk after that.

was fun and amazingly enough, neither of us bought anything. lol.
i headed to sands after that cause fb had gone but forgot his $400 at home.
ouch. i ended up spending $ there lol. madness! went home after that for mj
with nick, cliff & cliff's friend (: won $7!

which i lost yesterday night, lol. yesterday met dan at town to shop & etc,
then nick, cliff & amos came over for mahjong. si jing came too (: zzz. tired max!
but such a lovely busy and fulfilling week though (: i'm madly happy & occupied!

now i just want to,
3) go to gambling boat!
4) go on holiday
5) change my stupid phone with the spoilt ball!
6) go to universal studios (:
7) eat at that place in nex that looks like a giant boat.
8) go to pulau ubin

hahaha and, my birthday is coming soon (: so...
9) headporter sling bag
10) LV belt
11) $$
12) alcohol
13) i want new mj kakis!! (training shall be provided for
those whom aren't that pro or etc. lol.)

i've booked capella for my party already!
hope it'll be really awesome. still have many logistics and stuff
to plan actually, but i'll try to have confidence that i can work it out (:

& really, i've no wish for another boyfriend now.
i feel like i just got my freedom back, my life, am
happily doing so much stuff, the last thing i'd want
is to jump into another r/s and go through all that stress
and heartache and etc.

i'd just like to be selfish and happy for awhile,
i'm not ready to commit and settle down at all.
things are good, life is good (: i'm still really grateful
for everything i have, and i guess i just have to thank the lord.
he knows best after all (:

i thought i had gone through the whole 10 months for nothing,
teaching someone else so much and giving someone so much, &
that i have nothing to show for it now, but that's not true-

i realize, it's in a way, helped me to improve my relationship
with my parents and more importantly, i realized that the pain
i went through, was a necessary pain that i had to go through in
order to allow myself to grow as a person.

pain is part of being alive. call it cliche, but true.
it really is very character building. not all change is
for the better, not all change is for the worse-

maybe i'm more corrupted now, possibly more heartless,
maybe i'm more hardworking, maybe my views have changed & etc,
but i must say- i've finally learnt from my past mistakes,
getting too emotionally involved.

a lesson i seem to keep learning is that, sometimes,
you really have to be cruel/mean to people before they'll
respect you. if you're nice, they'll just try to walk all over you.

i did express that i want to be a truer person to myself,
i want to stop caring so much about what other people think
& letting myself get so affected by it... and so, to an extent,
i think i finally have (:

i am my own person, if you like it then that's great,
cause i would say overall, i still am a really nice person.
if you hate it then fuck off, nobody's asking you to look at
or be around my fuck face (: i can do whatever i like, whatever
makes me happy, as long as i'm true to my conscience & i don't
harm other people in what i do.

i'll still go about being nice to people,
but if you try to mess with me, i will hit your spirit.
LOL. okay, here's to my upcoming 20th, i really already start
to feel the transition and the change- i'm not going to be a
teen anymore ): 1 MORE YEAR TILL MBS! wait for me please!

haha long and naggy post, here's some pictures. i'm too lazy
to put them together with the matching words or in order :p

2011-02-28T16:39:00.002+08:00

things i want to do :D

1) eat the chicken wings at sunset grill! level 10/30 & all (:
2) eat oysters
3) go to gambling boat!
4) go on holiday
5) change my stupid phone with the spoilt ball!
6) go to universal studios (:
7) eat at that place in nex that looks like a giant boat.
8) go to pulau ubin

i think that's all so far, so someone please do all these things with me & make me happy can? hahaha (: yeah, i know i'm such a pig, wanna eat so many things T_T tsk. jasmine's still at my place now, sleeping. she's been sleeping for almost 13 hours already!! haha. met her and nangiel yesterday for late dinner/supper, then nick came with cliff to pick jasmine & i for mahjong! hehe. won $20! so happy. mahjong makes me happy. if only i can play mahjong with them everyday! life will be so beautiful (:

after nick & cliff left, we were feeling... soup-y? so we made soup & garlic bread (: so shiok please. then we sat on the couch and drank soup while watching big bang theory. really good life! i'm in a cheery mood today (: i think you can tell from all the smiley faces everywhere. lol.

saturday afternoon i met winston & we watched "i am number four". i swear it's really smallville + harry potter combined. even the villains look like lord voldermort can! but okay, i guess it's still quite a nice movie, can't fail with such a hot cast (; over to ter's after that for dinner with his family. damn shiok! ate so much omg. guilty max. but everybody kept feeding me i didn't know what to do! and the food was so damn good. hahaha. cheesy tofu, prawns, scallop, fish, chicken, beef, pork, everything under the sun please!

friday i went out with baktee for photography after school (: then home to open 2 mahjong tables! hahahah madness all the way :D

2011-02-28T14:45:00.003+08:00

"of course that's what i want for you. this is the life that you need, not cheaters and other scumbags."

so happy & touched to hear that. really feel like i'm such a lucky bitch now. only time will tell but i'm so glad to have you standing by me and being there for me, all this way & all this while. you're just so amazing, & through all this time, the more i know, the more happy i am to know you and to be someone important or special to you (:

it's really not worth it for me to spend my time being upset over people whom don't love me or don't appreciate me (: during this hard time, i'm glad to have my friends standing by me, all the people i care about so much in this whole universe. my family, ter, agnes, winston, sam, clifton, nick, fion, brandon, sarah, ari, dhanya, kie, fawwaz, jasmine, danial, val, jane, rochino, si jing, william, wilfred & jack.

i'm glad to be back in the life that i was initially living. once in awhile i get sad and a bit unstable, but what's important is i'm back on my feet and walking again. much wiser, and much more careful than before. i am a happy kid who will continue trying my best to live my happy life and make the people around me happy (:

i think i'm really blessed & a really lucky girl (: i will try my best not to be sad, cause i know apple wants me to be happy (: and i will just play mahjong and be corrupted as i want to be to society, but as long as i know- i'm doing things that are right by my own morals and things that are not harming anyone, as long as i can justify it to my conscience, then everything will be fine. hehe.

the sun continues to shine and the earth continues to spin (:

2011-02-27T16:38:00.003+08:00

been so busy these past few weeks, going out & out & out. today, it's been less crazy & things are starting to slow down... typical lazy sunday.

& most of the time, i've been managing fine. i know, that it is not my fault. i know, everything there is to know or everything that i should know, on my part of the relationship.

yesterday, on the way back from ter's place, i realized that friday was the 25th. how ironic. and how plebian that i still care. obviously, most people tell me not to care... and i have become very detached from the situation.

i feel that i've gone so overboard with not caring, that now i'm really heartless. and that's fine. but i guess cause someone special makes me want to try again, allowing myself to feel happiness will also open myself up to feeling the pain again.

i think the worst part of losing stuff is always the memories. & even in this case, it is also so. i tried my best, & in a situation that i could not solve, i gave my all. but happy memories are still so taunting, sometimes i can really feel the shadow of the former someone beside me, your ghost refusing to leave me.

yet you already have chosen to leave, and i am still not here nor there or anywhere. why is it, that you have left, but you still get to be the angry, upset, bitter petty one? was it not your decision to go? i didn't push you, yet i was left and i am the villain.

i feel like a joke, i feel like this whole situation is a joke, a curse placed on me by whomever is "hitting the little man" on me. i have lots of wishes, lots of what ifs, & i wish that i could show you the way, but i guess it's something you have to figure out for yourself, who am i to force you to grow up, maybe i am just made to suffer for both our mistakes.

2011-02-25T08:51:00.002+08:00

seriously, i'm just so dumb to ever believe that something can last.
cause nothing can last forever.

it was naive of me to believe in that foolish ideal,
to chase the foolish dream.

it's like setting yourself out for disappointment, cause you know you can't fly.

2011-02-25T00:39:00.002+08:00

o misses a

but i can't feel anything for anyone, other than you.
maybe you're the only exception?
but i don't dare to be wrong.

i can't take the chance that i am wrong,
because i don't dare to hurt you.

you don't deserve it.

2011-02-24T21:54:00.002+08:00

more things to ponder-
i tire of your obnoxious attitude, & i hope you don't push me too far.

guys that bully girls are plain disgusting.

bullies are already super cowards with low self esteem.
but you are really something, i swear. if you were any less of a man,
your passport would say female.

in any case, since you claim to be one, whatever you want to say to me,
you can say to my face. & if you don't dare to, then shut up-
save your gossip and chit chat for some other time.

please, just cause i'm a tiger that doesn't growl,
don't mistake me for a sick cat.

you think my parents raised me for 20 years to let me be step on by people like you?
think again, motherfucker.

2011-02-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

when you learn to inherently distrust & disbelieve the things that people tell you,
then it's easy to just turn off all emotion and feeling.

it's easy after being hurt a million times before, & i just tell myself,
"no, i'm not going to hurt anymore."

& honestly, i feel like i can't be. at this moment.
not deeply, anyway, at most i can be angry or upset, superficial wounds-
but at this current time, there is really no one who can get under my skin and fuck me up.

the fucked up part though,
is that i love it.

i just really hope, my ap, that you don't fall for me cause i don't ever wanna hurt you.
sorry i'm just not human like that anymore, my heart can only have friends & no lovers,
maybe i'm just made to be stone cold. you'd be better off with someone that loves you anyway (:

2011-02-23T08:45:00.002+08:00

i love this feeling; going to sleep holding onto my phone,
waiting to hear from you & waking up to reply you (:

it's so sweet & blissful. i think the last time i felt this way
or did something like that was for fb. have already forgotten
what it was like initially, how sweet the beginning was.

you make me remember,
how to feel so much more than what i've settled for.

ohwell, only time will tell if we're meant to be
cause right now, obviously the timing is way off & all.
but for the record i hope it's real. it's too sweet not to be real.

(:

1000

2011-02-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

this february, i lost someone.
in return though, i gained so much more.

i really see the extent & importance of my other friends & family.
people that i thought i had lost forever returned to my life,
and the world continues & spinning all over again.

bad things can happen to me,
but what's important is i've picked myself up & dusted myself off.

as long as my conscience is clear,
as long as i am happy, that's what matters (:

the sun is shining and i'm just so fucking happy.
this is the important thing to remember for my 1000th post (:

999th post

2011-02-11T12:01:00.002+08:00

this situation has caused me so much anger & hurt.

i want to learn to forgive though,
because that's the best way for me to forget.

i don't want to have to feel angry, betrayed & etc anymore.
what's the point? he doesn't care, it doesn't matter to him.
honestly- i never thought that he would be this.

i feel so naive for believing in everything.
like a lost child who found out fairy tales aren't real.
though i never asked for a fairy tale, but the fact is-

as hard as our relationship was,
i won't get over it easily, cause yeah- i did love him.
almost a year, but so much time spent together,
so many memories stuck to so many places.

again & again i say, "i never thought it would end this way."
& it still hurts me, the thought that i trusted this person so much,
& that i believed all the things he said, all the insincere promises that he made.

& now i don't even get so much as a "sorry".
no explanation, no truth, nothing.

oh well, as i've always said,

accept it.
deal with it.
get over it.

i have accepted the situation, i have accepted what has happened to me,
i have accepted that i am stupid and that this is who he really is.
i accept that i cannot blame a donkey for not being a stallion.
looks like one, but is not one. or he doesn't love me enough to be one.

apparently he's prepared to be that awesome heroic guy for someone else,
but not me. or maybe it's just another lie. since i do remember all those
promises he made to me which never come true. & now i accept that they never well.

i'm trying to deal with it. even if i recover within 6 days, it's too much of
a miracle. i am dealing though. dealing better than i thought i would.
my friends have made me feel muchmuch better (:

now, i just have to deal with the fact that;
i have been deceived, said promises will never come true,
he is not who i thought he was, he didn't love me enough.

and i have to forget this, all of it.

funny how so much can change in 6 days,
funny how i can just mean so little to you.

it's really sad, cause i thought we would be so much more than this,
and now i feel like our whole relationship is reduced to a joke.
just another teenage relationship that didn't even last for a whole year.

maybe it was all a joke to you,
but it was real for me.

i wish you the best & i hope you'll be happy.
&... i forgive you. for everything.
thanks for the memories.

2011-02-07T13:28:00.002+08:00

been at the wake everyday for the past 3 days.
cremation later, not sure if i should go. am scared, way too scared. fb's grandpa passed away, & it's absolutely fucking sad. i'm especially sad for him & his family, cos i care about them so much & they're awesome people- it's sad to see them suffer. at least grandpa's suffering is over, he's been suffering for a long time.

nigel & i broke up. i know, it's been a horror of a chinese new year. "great start to the year of the rabbit" -.- but anyway, i guess the saddest/hardest parts of that are just breaking the habit of all the things we used to do together. in a way, i'm not really sad cause like shaun said, "bo pian lah."

reallyreally no choice. i mean, it's so simple- each of us is unwilling to give the other what he/she wants. the end.

it really sucks that it would end this way but i guess i've grown tired too along the way. honestly i still do care about him and i actually a bit feel like grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him hard and slapping him, then telling him to handle our break up like a man and stop being so retarded. lol. but it's not my place. then again- the things he does are things i cannot tolerate
to an extent, so i guess carrying on can only serve to make us more miserable.

i never thought it would end this way-
i never wanted this to be one of just those "typical" relationships, where teenagers get together for a few months, then break up. i feel it was more real then that, it meant more than that. and we went through so much more in those 9 months, but i guess it's because everything moved so fast that we also expired so fast. i gave everything i had, 110%, so i can gladly say i've no regrets (:

in a way, the passing of fb's grandpa can be an analogy for the end of my relationship. i've been suffering for a long time, but now that it's really over, it's kind of sad, but it's probably for the better and it's time for the next stage, it's time to leave this place. where i came in, so full of hope, happiness and uncertainty, i leave with a few battle scars and a little worse for wear, but i also leave with little happiness, uncertainty and hope. hope for a better future, hope for what comes next.

2011-02-03T20:50:00.004+08:00

seriously, the more i grow up & the more things i see, i really feel that most guys are jerks.
it makes me feel really jaded & cynical. makes me feel like not being in a relationship.

guys can you put yourselves in a girl's shoes please?

would you like it if you are sacrificing so much for your gf, like always doing things for her or choosing the things she wants to do but she doesn't appreciate it? would you like it if she flirts with other guys in front of you? would you like it if you tell her you love her & she doesn't reply? or just smiles or something like that? would you feel good if she constantly talks about another guy? would you feel good being compared to other guys like brad pitt or julian hee?

how would you feel if you spent the whole day cooking/cleaning, or just waiting for her to spend time with you, only for her to ignore you and do something else again? how would you feel if she pays more attention to her handphone/ps3 and etc than you?
how would you feel if she ignores your feelings, or when you're upset about something important, she trivializes it and says "must be that time of the month."

still not feeling it?
then increase your sensitivity level x5.

how would you feel if your girlfriend never makes you a priority, and always puts herself and her own needs wants first? what if she's always the one who's being difficult and choosing the things? what if she's always being moody? what if she always makes you promises, to do things you really want to do and then breaks them? what if she makes you look stupid in front of your friends?

guys, whether being the dumpee or the dumper, generally have this mindset like, "i lost the old one, i'll get a new one! and if the new one is somehow better looking/better in bed & etc, i've scored!" wtf. then how will you feel if you breaks up with your girlfriend & the next day, she has a new boyfriend looks like david beckham, drives a ferrari 458, is smart, sweet, kind, well mannered and has a 12 inch dick?

girls deserve better than to simply be replaced or to be played by guys. it's sick. why would you have to treat another human being that way and toy with their emotions? why would you cheat on your partner of don't know how many years for 30 mins of lust? is it really worth it? why must you make your girlfriend feel ugly/unworthy when you blatantly stare at other women on the street? wanna look? fine, just look, but no need to stare.

and for god's sake, she doesn't need to hear you say things like, "girl A, your body is damn hot. i love your body." how do you think your girlfriend feels if you say things like that in front of her? i think society has evolved such that, girls can accept being without a prince charming on a horse and all. but i don't think it's too much for a girl to ask for an appreciative guy and caring guy who will treat her like how she deserves.

i think even a dog can understand that.

i really dislike how guys can just want to replace a girl, like she didn't mean anything or she was just trash. why is it somehow hardwired into men to not treat girls well or something? why is there this innate human nature to want to take advantage of others? i notice that most girls are so good to guys, and i see guys breaking up with girls for stupid reasons like, "i need my freedom, you're tying me down" and all kinds of nonsense.

if nobody is forcing you to get married, and you can do (mostly) as you like, then for what fuck are you complaining? if you want to fuck around, then just say so! don't come up with excuses say you need freedom and shit. maciam bird all.

i hate how guys:

1) take girls for granted.
seriously, i think this is what i see happening 88.8% of the time. guys making their girlfriends wait at home for them while they go out, then you come home and when your gf wants to spend time with you, you scold her and say she's not giving you enough space -.- or like, your gf makes the effort to plan a dinner/cook dinner, to talk and communicate with you, and you fiddle with your phone and use facebook when you're not busy stuffing your face with steak. either that or your caring girlfriend asks you "how was your day?" and all, then you just blabber on about yourself and don't bother asking about her. HELLO! the world does not revolve around you alone!! even if you're not interested you can always ask out of courtesy right?!

2) take their problems/issues out on their gfs.
all kinds of frustrations/emotional problems, who is the one who suffers for it? the guy is unhappy and then he makes his gf unhappy too. so both can suffer together. some kind of poetic justice? but when your girlfriend is unhappy, you just tell her to get over herself and continue playing your ps3. this is immensely unfair. and further more, insecure and petty guys who hit their girlfriends are worse than slugs. that's plain wrong. a man should never hit a woman. fucking hell, whatever guy does so is just a coward. it is never okay for a guy to hit a girl. even if she's some gangster minah, just get one of your girlfriends to beat her for you instead if you have to. better yet, call the police.

3) treat their girls like sex objects.
no means no okay? get it, no? if you still cannot understand no, then understand that when you perceive a no as a yes, you probably have become a rapist.

4) think that they're such a good catch/have huge egos
it's already not really good when the guy is semi hot, but when ugly guys somehow think they're the kings of the world or that girls are entitled to be their slaves/fight over them or that everyone wants them, it's really quite sick. hello, if you want to be superficial take a look at yourself first, not every girl wants you or is in love with you please, don't act like you're some hot shit and that girls should worship the ground you walk on. yucks.

its quite weird, guys seem to place so much importance in having a girlfriend, but once they get one, they just become disinterested and can't really be bothered in maintaining the relationship anymore. i know, guys are all about the chase and the girl also has to try to maintain the relationship and keep it interesting blahblah, i just find it kind of unfair that girls have to go through so much shit for guys, yet girls are most often always losing out in many areas. very very deeply frustrating.

this post was inspired by a friend of mine's situation. any resemblances to persons living or dead are most likely coincidental, but if you are a guy and you feel the above describes you, please be nicer to the girls in the world! thank you!

2011-02-01T23:02:00.003+08:00

got new rings with baby & ate at kaffir & lime that day (:
these days have been good. full of ups & beautiful highs,
though occasionally there've been gloomy lows too.

sometimes, it seems like everything's the end of the world.
though i know, in my mind, it's not, but somehow, i can't
control the level of pain or emotion i feel. maybe it's just the
teenage hormones affecting my mental/emotional state lol.

inspired by brendan & jiajia's gucci rings lol. i think the heart
ring is really damn nice though! and not like it's in the store
every season, so veryvery worth it (:

i feel a bit weird blogging now, like it doesn't come as naturally
or i feel my blog is not as nice to read or the flow of the words suck
etc etc. haha. maybe it's cause i'm out of practice, or maybe it's cause
when i compare to the better blogs i've been reading, i feel very... lacklustre.

oh well. i blog because i remember things, and because i can!
hopefully, once i get back into this habit, then i will be better at it again.
just need to get into some form of routine, and if there is no routine,
then i at least need some higher form of quality entries. hmm. anyway,
here's pictures so i feel less boring haha.

had nice make up that day (or so i think) so decided to camwhore. lol.
i went blond!(ish) baby's friend, wen kang, helped me dye it hehe (:
he works in orchard international building as a senior stylist, i swear he's
a genius. plus he gave a super good price and he's really friendly too (:

looks closer to brown though ): i wanted it more blond,
kind of like cameron diaz blond or strawberry blond, but
wen kang said it would be too damaging for my hair ):

at baby's house for study week (:
we went out a lot with shu jye! and went hunting for
dim sum, but everytime we went to look for it, the shop
was closed T_T so sad! until now still haven't gone! tsk.

fion & brandon came to jb to find us, and we went shopping
in city square, pelangi plaza and to ksl city. i saw so many hello kitty
stuff!! *madness* haha okay i suddenly love hello kitty a lot, don't judge me!

i love ksl city too (: the clothes are quite awesome and kawaii,
very gyaru meets bangkok. it makes me want to go back to bangkok
for more shopping!! rahh! :D & the nail shops were having lots of great
promos! damn cheap! wanted to do my nails there for cny but didn't
have the time ): ended up doing at nex instead (but for quite cheap too!)

i think he looks quite handsome here, just that the shape of
his head looks a bit weird lol.

saw fireworks from baby's room (: so nice.
makes me think of australia, when they're fireworks
almost all the time for virtually no reason. and phuket.
mm... can almost imagine myself on the island breathing
in the fresh sea breeze now...

don't get me wrong, i love singapore, but it's been raining
every single fucking day! it's very depressing & the other
day at juicy couture i almost bought rubber boots cause
it seemed like a sensible thing to do (due to all the water everywhere!)

luckily i didn't though, cause i was distracted by some gorgeous wedges.
omg, i want!! haha i have a problem, i really do. just spent $130 on my hello
kitty mahjong and $120++ USD at forever21.com and i still want to shop more!
i feel like slapping my own face but i can't resist, some how or rather it's too compelling.

i need a job asap, cause i still want... (baby take note!
and friends too, cause my birthday is coming hehe :D)

1) urban decay naked palette (i blame dhanya for showing it to me & making me like it...)

avaliable at sephora $60+ or $70 i think

2) juicy couture grenada wedges in salmon
usa size 7. chio right?! :D wahaha $120

3) louis vuitton artsy
ahaha i need to make $$ to buy this. don't expect anyone
to buy it for me cause that'd be MAD!

4) louis vuitton belt

5) scrabble trickster $40+
can be found at toys r us/john little etc.

6) ps3 need for speed hot pursuit $40+

7)hello kitty stuff! especially:

and

ahh! so cute can?! it's pure madness! i am mad! hahha.
seee, all so expensive i don't know how i'm going to buy.
need to work like crazy to support my own lifestyle! rahh.

in other news, it's chinese new year's eve and i'm at home
watching one tree hill before my reunion dinner. i haven't
really watched in awhile because i feel the show started to
go downhill from season 4 onwards.

like for brooke & lucas, how can two people go from being so in love,
to just "friends". i don't get it. yes, i believe you can be friends with
people whom you've dated/liked, but i don't believe it in this case,
that brooke can purely be friends without lucas and have 0 feelings for him.

when you've been that crazy in love with someone,
things don't end without it being devastating-
it's hard to be friends, cause you'd either still have feelings for them
or you'd be too hurt, too anguished by their presence to even comprehend
being in the same room as them, smiling at them, being near them.

it's like looking at a supernova directly,
it's so beautiful & you somehow can't seem to stop looking-
but if you don't stop you'll go blind.

le sigh. okay i'm so damn sleepy now and this has been one whole
long entry about something and nothing and many crazy things altogether.

more random pictures & i'm off to ...

goodnight! (:

2011-01-25T01:41:00.002+08:00

been going through rough patches recently,
but i guess what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

went to sands with the bf today (:
impromptu trip cause we were delivering stuff.
it was quite stressful at first, but after that-
we were really awesome and happy (: hehe! i was half a meter away from
jay chou at bugis! OMG!!! hahaha. ate the most expensive chicken rice
ever at sands, $6.50!! :x

hello candyboy, i'm glad we're working through our problems.
i want things to be better between us, cause i love you & i do want
to be with you for as long as i can. you mean the world to me (:

2011-01-24T01:11:00.002+08:00

i don't know how to make it better.
and though i said it's alright, it still somehow doesn't sit well with myself.
it's not my place to force my belief on someone else though,
no matter how black & white it may seem to be.

i'll consider it another challenge for me
but at this moment i really don't feel like being challenged.
i would just like to go on a vacation, make everything better.
i feel weak, but at this time- i feel the stresses of life are just
making things so so hard for me.

i still don't feel right.
i don't feel it'll be a good night's sleep.
i worry, so much.

这感觉已经不对
我努力在挽回

this feeling is no longer right
i'm trying so hard to fix it

but it takes two hands to clap.
are you clapping along?
sometimes, the only thing worse than knowing is not knowing
and uncertainty kills. is it a difference of character?
no, it's simply learning to compromise.

please don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed.

2011-01-22T03:41:00.002+08:00

despite all that has happened,
i still believe that there is no one in this
whole entire cosmic universe
who is more perfect for me
than you

i love you,
i don't want to be cinderella if you're not my prince
& i don't wanna be catwoman if you're not my batman

再沒法可適應別人

you will never let me go.

2011-01-19T03:51:00.001+08:00

far be it for me to judge but... sometimes, i feel that society is so messed up. bombing, slashing, killing blahblahblah. never mind, even the most basic-
down to us, people, who take such actions are showing ourselves to be inferior beings. note: this is not a preachy note, this is based on a rather "shallow" and not serious situation but just that i see situations like this happening around me all too often and it pisses me off. it's happened to my friends, it's happened to me, occasionally i see it on tv and it angers me even if it's supposed to be fictional, but it still makes me angry all the same.

seriously.. there's this girl called DAL, and i swear she's a homewrecker in the making. she got guy A to cheat on his ex-girlfriend with her, thus he broke up with the gf & got together with her. only after awhile, said guy realized that she's a slut, so he dumped her and went back to original gf. after awhile, gf breaks up with him so he gets new gf, and then DAL comes around again asking to be fucked. why are there so many of these kinds of girls in the world?! wtf man! grow some shame please. your behaviour is disgusting! you give girls everywhere a bad name!

you know a guy is attached, yet you wanna somehow or rather do slutty things to get in his good graces/make moves on him/insist on flirting or acting cute infront of him etc, not only are you disrespecting yourself, you are disrespecting that guy, the girl he's attached to & the relationship. how will YOU feel if your father tells you he's leaving your family for a whore? just the older version of yourself (;

if you like a guy who's attached, fine, sometimes feelings can't be helped. but you don't have to act on it right? can you use your bloody bimbo act shu nu brains and think? exercise some self control la! if you can't then just go buy a dildo and find some guy to fuck you to exercise your shallow need to be fucked! you are not an animal right? you have self control right? then what the hell are you doing! what is wrong in your fucking puny mind?

you knew guy A was attached when you broke him and girl B up. now, you know he is attached as well, yet you still wanna go contact him and all? you can argue that it takes two hands to clap, but like i said, it isn't about the guy- it's about the girl. you can ask a guy to kill someone, and if he does, you are both wrong. if he doesn't kill the person, then you are still wrong for asking him to kill the person in the first place!

please, for the love of god, have some self respect. he's over you, you are so last season, let it go. stop making a fool of yourself by hanging onto someone who doesn't want you, and stop annoying people who deserve to be happy together. if you don't have a basic sense of decency to act like a proper human being, perhaps it was cause your parents never taught you or you were a poor student, let me just teach you some basics:

1) stealing is wrong.
you wouldn't steal a car, you wouldn't steal jewelry, you wouldn't steal somebody's kid (also known as kidnapping), you wouldn't steal somebody's life (also known as murder) blahblahblah, you shouldn't steal other girl's boyfriends. even if not for some cosmic karma or religious reason, then simply because- being a good person is something that will benefit society on the whole, if you are just that selfish fucker who insists on only caring about yourself, and everyone in the world thinks like you, then we are all doomed right?

2) R-E-S-P-E-C-T
is this thing that most humans should have for each other. that, and manners/consideration. if you do not know how to conduct yourself in a socially acceptable way, then you might as well be an animal! you are just a barbarian! example; your hair is fucking ugly, and it's red colour offends your deeply religious amish neighbour who believes it is un-natural. he is not going to rip it off your head or burn all your hair off. okay, if he does then he is a barbarian too. but in the modern society, people learn tolerance and self control. please learn. it is very important.

"Most people consider common courtesy to simply be nice to those around you. Things like opening a door for the elderly or shoveling your walk in the winter are good examples. People who don't show this type of behavior tend to be looked down upon by their peers." - from www.reference.com

i look down on you so, so much, not only because you are stupid and a home wrecker, but also because you clearly have no self control. so dear girls, please control yourself and if you really simply *must* have this guy, then at least wait your turn.

2011-01-16T20:17:00.008+08:00

some overdue pictures from 2010...

celebrated my dad's birthday with family & the boyfriend
at 10@claymore (the pan pacific hotel on orchard road, opposite
forum and next to orchard towers.)

the ambience was gorgeous, i don't know why i love the ambience at

pan pacific more than other hotels. just something about how they do

their stuff... hmm. favourite (: hahaa.

okay, the quality is quite bad cause i used my ipod touch

(camera battery died :/) and it was quite low light...

anyway, after that boyfriend & i went home to play mahjong

with shaun & azzar. very fun! haha we're mahjong freaks luh, okay.

i know i promised a pic spam- so here's some pics from our trip to perth as well (:

a lot of problems with the cameras i brought,

so only took pics on the last day ): so damn wasted.

but was probably one of the best vacations ever (:

with jackie & yan. so mad happy to visit them & see them again! (:

took these pics using jackie's cam! it's awesome! cannon don't know what.

tiny, but dslr quality! shiok.

had a nice dinner with them on my last day before

going back to singapore ): i'm glad to have friends like them (:

awesome and always there for me. hehe. mad love.

happy jackie (:

this is damn spicy/shiok but only i could tahan the spicy-ness! ):

some weird brinjal-y thing that they all loved.

i guess we have drastic differences in taste. lol.

brendan and the lovely jiajia (:

fremantle was perfection (:

chocolate factory! (: australia was so awesome,

& candyboy and i came back more in love than ever

before. i love the times we had there.

i wish all these happy moments can never end (:

it's moments like these when i feel like the world is wonderful,

and i feel so happy to be living, so lucky to be who i am.

celebrated christmas in malaysia with nigel,

we went to tgi fridays (: so awesome. i'm a happyhappy kid

:D thankyou god for everything, thank you wonderful people

in my life for being who you are. yays. love you all (:

2011-01-08T04:52:00.010+08:00

hello world, after a year and... 3 months hiatus,
i am back on somethinglikesex.blogspot.com
mostly because i am too free/have too many things to say/
need to stop spamming my friend's facebooks with pictures :x

in any case, i also have been pushing myself to be a
harder better faster stronger person and part of that
is learning to not care about what other people think
and doing what i believe/know is right (:

so to catch you up, in 2010 i (in chronological order)...

1) got the drunkest i've ever been on it's first day -.-
and it wasn't the most i ever drank, just that i drank too damn fast!

2) celebrated that new year with dmcd1 0950a, whom i love & miss

sorry nangiel and estee are not in this picture and some others,
but this is the best pic i could find with us together (: okay la,
nobody misses erna though :x if it makes your memory unhappy,
you can just use your thumb to cover her face while you read this entry (:

3) fb went into ns ):

4) had my beloved ex-housemate, sarah goh lee kin visit me!

sarah goh, if you're reading this, i miss you so damn much please ):
i don't think i'm as close to anyone else who stays so far away lol.
no matter how much we may irritate or drive each other mad,
i don't know why i still adore you so much. hahaha.

5) went to pulau ubin with nangiel

actually, it's not a very big deal- but the pictures i took
there are really nice & i haven't shot great pictures in so long...
i thought it was worth mentioning (:

6) had an awesome/crazy "wear school uniform to mdis" day

7) became addicted to mahjong

pictured: nicholas lim, who was responsible for making my mahjong
improve by x10 000! okay lah, and clifton too. before playing with
them i always used to 1 tai game or anyhow play. now i'm a lot better :)
(as i'm typing this, i just finished 2 whole games of mahjong with shaun lim, bayu and azzar)

8) had an awesome birthday, where i fell in love with the green fairy

drunk fest 2010 lol.

9) reunited with many old friends (:
nick lim, shawn chng, sam ng and etc.

okay, it's been like 2 hours and
i'm still blogging! am getting really tired,
so shall cut this short after all.

"love isn't a feeling, it is a decision"
10) i chose nigel emanuel clark (:
and i fell in love with him. somehow or rather,
though i had my doubts- but once i gave it a chance,
i was proven right, i can be happy. i just have to choose correctly (:
he's also the first ever guy i've ever officially introduced to my parents,
out of all my past bfs, he's the first they've met (:

11) went to bangkok with my family & nigel
honestly, nigel's not like anyone else before-
he accepts me unconditionally, and is patient & wonderful to me.
of course- we do have our rough patches and our problems,
but he's someone, more than anyone else, who i see a future with.
it's like something totally different- and we work together. moreover,
he's already become a part of my family and a huge part of my life.

12) went to phuket with nigel

13) i finally got a chanel bag
and am still so madly crazy in love with it :D

14) went to perth with nigel
visited so many more old friends, i was so happy to get
to see them and spend time in all those old, sweet surroundings.
it being nigel's first visit to perth- he loved it. his ideal kind of lepak town. lol.

okay done! i'm too damned tired to continue! hahaha.
but i shall update soon with a 2010 pic spam (:
to all those whom i have and haven't mentioned yet, like fion,
ari, dhanya, kie, val cheng and everyone else who's a part of my life,
thank you all for making 2010 so special. i love you all. hehe :D

2009-09-30T00:28:00.000+08:00

2009-09-26T13:20:00.011+08:00

i'm damn shagged man! hahaha. okay,

yesterday was a good day luh. met my

darling fion after school (: hen hao. we

had dinner at sushi tei! supercalifragi- delish.

LOL.

you might find it rather disgusting if you don't like sushi,

but all super nice luh! ahahaha. am happy i satisfied my craving (:

shopped around after that. super super shiok! i spent

like $300 :/ fuck. totally broke now. OVERSPEND SIA.

knn. but so many nice new things. i like (:

reached home around 11+. had a great night with her.

thanks lovely. love you a lot! hahaha. THENN at 1

something, some dumb dumb asked me out to go meet

him cause jackass found an iphone on the floor!

HAHAHA so lucky right? 32gb and great condition some more.

i jealous sia. he came over to pick me and we went to jalan kayu

for iphone tutorial. LOL. though he actually didn't need it in the

end. stupiddddd :x never mind, lepak onlyyyy. (must say in malay accent)

hahahhaa :D

he thinks he's damn funny lor. cause we were sitting

next to the side walk where can smoke, he take his chair

put on the sidewalk. HAHAHA. fucker leh.

but his retarded antics can make me laugh the whole night.

lol. more of that later, must tell story in linear time line,

learn from media studies! :P

headbang sia. HAHAHA we saw this drunkish ang moh

guy, so both started all the nonsense la. drunk on prata,

teh bing blahblahblah, and he started imitating the guy.

fucking funny. LOL. i don't know why, but i mentioned

something about headbang, so he said "botak headbang more

power! no hair, got no wind resistance!" -.- lol laaaa.

taken by danial afiq. super cute cat playing with lizard.

damn gross but cute. i need a cat sia, catch all the lizards

in the world! LOL. and my house especially.

chess called around 4+, and some stuff happened to her,

so asked her to come over to meet us. jia lat sia :/ ohwell,

at least it's all better now (: hahaha.

all sit there with our retarded antics. example:

kris: eh, moon missing sia.

danial: then how?

kris: i call police.

danial: hello? mr police man, i need to tell you

something. MOON MISSING!

danial, pretending to be policeman: sir, what's

your current location?

mad danial: MOON MISSING LA SIA!

it's quite funny like that but if you hear/see him

do it, you'll laugh until you wanna roll on the floor.

at the "moon missing" he always screamed until zhao sia.

LOL. cannot take it know.

i also don't know why i took pic of the dustbin.

but the lights like nice hor (:

lepaked until 6+, then headed home. chan messaged me

suddenly and said he saw me also, his cab passed jalan kayu

-.- see also don't know how to tompang! haha drunken asshole.

never mind, woo. i guai kia. go home all (:

reached home and durian was still awake. hahaa, had been

msn-ing him when i was at kayu, and jokingly asked him

to come fetch me home, he almost did. silly sia. hahha.

drive all the way from his place, to jalan kayu to fetch me home.

it's madness lor! hahah but damn sweet (: hahaha and i don't

know why we always crave for the same foods, that day we

both wanted steak/sushi, this morning i told him i wanted

nasi lemak and he said the same. LOL. damn cute. love how

we always talk at weird hours and etc. now all the same,

nightlife. body clock spoil. HAHAH.

anyway, i really love how we're still close now and stuff.

makes me happy. so muchmuch more than anyone else can

understand. bring ya'll there also too far la. HAHAHA.

why i keep laughing. all that danial's fault! cbbbbbb.

OH YA. and that dumbass laughed and me when i told

him i bought something from topshop. WHAT SIAA.

bitch leh. explained to him that depends on what you wear

also, not everything is generic, and he conceded and agreed

i like. HAHAHA and i texted jacklyn hou on my way home

(at 7am in the morning) and she woke up and called me to

tell me she's hungover. hahaha. hilarious can! i went home

and slept for only 4 hours ): wanna sleep more also cannot.

don't know what's wrong with me :/ lol. okaytoobad.

here's a random pic of ah beng cause he is handsome

and i like. HAHAHA. if only he would smile. but he

act cool, so must always pretend to be permanently unhappy.

next time i'm gonna draw smiley faces onto his picture.

i actually did already but i won't post it here cause

like so mean leh. and i think he'll kill me. hahaha.

okay. enough rubbish. byebye blogger!

2009-09-25T00:24:00.004+08:00

nobody's ever mattered more than you,

i'd crawl on broken glass to see you smile.

(though maybe you had me prove that one too many times.)

but i'd do it again, you only have to ask.

come abaddon or paradise,

i will never leave you- (i have never left you)

as such, it should never have been a doubt to you,

that i am, always,

by.

your.

side.

there's only one you.

& i will always care & never leave here.

so please,

smile for me.

with or without the glass.

cheer up please.

okay time to sleep. test tomorrow.

goodnight blogspot (:

2009-09-24T00:18:00.003+08:00

existentialism. says: (3:10:43 PM)
sometimes u become like that cos of that hurt other have given u before

existentialism. says: (3:10:50 PM)
so in order not to feel that way again

existentialism. says: (3:11:10 PM)
u become someone u dont want to be

ari said this to me that day. find it super true.
i guess i just have to maintain an ideal i once read,
"feel no emotion, and adapt to new situations"
it was a lot more poetic, but along those lines.

i think if i had the chance, i'd really wanna turn off
my emotions and the thoughts in my head for awhile.
can't open my mouth to speak the words, better to just smile.

feel cold though. empty. i need to go somewhere far away.
it would be nice to run away for awhile (:
wishful thinking.

but i guess that's life. enough escaping-
there's somethings, i'll just have to deal with.
will show no emotion & will adapt fast, make rk proud of me.
hahaha, he's been telling me it's better to be bastard to
everyone so they won't take advantage.

but okay luh. sometimes i just think i think too much.
other times i think i'm tired of all the same old superficial shit.
i'm happy to just settle down and lead a peaceful drama free life.
that's what i want.

will do my best to get it. i know i've got my close friends,
who will always be there for me through tough times and
listen to me bitch and whine. and through thick and thin,
fb is still a part of my life. lol. he's talking to me online now.
though he's usually damn full of nonsense, occasionally he does
say something very insightful. see fb? i told you you'll always be
special (:

in some ways, you do understand my mad thinking
and know me, probably inside out, better than anybody else.
i'm happy that you're here for me even now. you're really irreplaceable.

actually you shouldn't really ask me what's wrong with me though.
cause if i explained it to you, it wouldn't make sense or it would be...
i don't know. and it's just too far to put you in my shoes. you'll have
blisters from walking. LOL.

so don't ask la hor. i am going to meditate in peace.
i maybe showing emotion, but i'm adapting fast. will
learn to. build character. hen hao (:

PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY.
hahah emotional, physical, or otherwise-
i've always been weak. NOMORENOMORENOMORE.

told ljy already i'm gonna be a happy and carefree kid.

everybody should be happy & carefree kids. singapore

strawberry, please cheer up okay? aiyo. emo one leh.

i smile for you, you smile for me. dealdealdeal? we will

all be okay. i know one. you don't know one. hahaha.

really feel veh sad for you ): i know it totally sucks. but yeah

la, i told you before anything can just find me (: i'll be there

for you to the max, whether rain or shine, umbrella or no umbrella

ella ella eh.

if i could take your pain away,

i would scream for you

& i'll bleed for you,

so you never feel this way again.

hahah so silly. my friends cannot be emo,

only i can be emo! hahha. so silly. oh well.

complaining = better.

i feel so much better after complaining (:

i'm gonna go drink yakult now.

bye blogspot!

2009-09-23T01:09:00.002+08:00

school today with ah beng was so fun.

HAHHAA. cannot take it sia. monopoly,

poker, old maid, all kinds of nonsense games

also we play in class! woo, tomorrow is monopoly

rematch. hen hao. but laptop heavy luh ): hahah!

don't care, die die must win ah beng.

steamboat with ari after, then we went to arcade to

do retarded things. hahaha woo! we cool kid only.

cold storage after that, cause i had to buy something

that i owe danial. HAHAHAHA. funny sial. can't wait

to see his stupid face when i pass it to him.

fun day. everybody's being so nice recently, and i've

been damn lucky, keep winning random things plus

mahjong. better buy 4d soon! wooo. since everybody's

being so nice, anybody wanna buy for me? hehehe (:

aerin's at my place now, we just finished chionging project.

fucking tired now. zzzzz.

goodnights all (: